Fuck Status Symbols

A woman wearing a ring that says, "I am a badass"

Answer honestly: do you want your mother’s life?

I could actually hear the NOOOOOOOOO you screamed in your own head, that’s how loud it was.

We don’t want our parents lives. Don’t get caught in the same traps they did. The symbols that baby boomers affixed so much value to are ridiculous, obsolete, and genuinely not the symbols your contemporaries put value on. Below is a list of the shit that nobody hip cares about, and makes you look like a superficial idiot.

1. Expensive wine

Studies have debunked the relationship between wine taste and wine cost. That $30 or $40 or $60 or god forbid $90+ bottle of wine is bullshit.

Gross and Broke Ass brand wines
Photo by Jeremy Noble.

You are not a sommelier, you are like a kid awarding blue ribbons to mud pies and it’s embarrassing. Science agrees. Find a bottle you like under $15 and get drunk like the wise millennials do.

2. Big houses

God damn, this is embarrassing. Giant homes are almost always void of charm. They are always too hot or too cold. The towering ceilings mean the acoustics and lighting suck. Your friends don’t want to spend time in your highly impersonal, cavernous, bullshit house. No one wants to drive out to the suburbs, including you. When your friends do manage to drag themselves to your cookie-cutter neighborhood, they make jokes about serial killers and Tom Hanks.

Scene from

You probably don’t have the money to decorate your humongous house with authentic, charming pieces that you acquired from your exotic travels and if you did, your whole life is going to be spent shopping. Yuck. If you do manage to find something huge and beautiful in the actual town part of where you live, it’s probably old as fuck and all your money is going to go down the drain trying to keep up with it.

Anything over 2000 square feet is unacceptable.

3. Weddings

Fun fact about me: I have been a professional ballroom instructor for fourteen years. In that time I have worked with thousands of wedding couples preparing for their first dance. Not once in all that time have I ever met a couple who didn’t regret the time, planning, money, and drama they put into their big ol’ dream wedding. Not once.

Bride holding a gun

What I have encountered is thousands of stressed out, financially strapped, joyless shells of women who, “can’t fucking wait for this shit to be over with.”

4. Engagement rings

Your engagement ring has nothing to do with the success of your marriage. It has nothing to do with love or commitment. It’s not some fucking magical stone that keeps your marriage thriving. Your friends are not impressed or jealous of your run-of-the-mill $6,000 solitary diamond that does not go with your yoga pants. No one can tell the difference between a real diamond and a cubic zirconia. Honestly, fuck the CZs too. Get something original, you hack. You want a happy life? Chuck that money toward a down payment on a home, a contribution to a Roth IRA, your kids, or your niece’s or nephew’s college fund. Go somewhere. Learn something. Have some substance, for god’s sake.

5. Giant Vehicles

Unless you are a professional shit-hauler (as in, you make bona fide dollar bills for moving heavy bullshit from one place to the other), do not buy a fucking truck. And if you do buy a truck, buy a small one. Buy one that gets the same gas mileage as a normal car.

For some reason, baby boomers are in love with giant trucks. This has got to be the lamest of all the status symbols. I don’t understand why the boomers took to big trucks but you know what? They also wear blue eyeshadow and butterfly-bejeweled jeans, and call asian people “orientals.” So maybe it follows.

Trucks are expensive and terrible for the environment. The only impression they give to the thinking population is that you have a tiny penis that you are ashamed of, and you failed elementary school science.

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33 thoughts on “Fuck Status Symbols

  1. My dad hasn’t learned these lessons-instead of downsizing in 60s like most people do, he bought a 3,000 square foot monstrosity with a huge mortgage. Yikes and NO THANK YOU.

    Our go to bottle of wine is $3.99 (thank you Berrnger!) We do occasionally splurge on bottles from the local winery, but that means bottles in the $20 range. I can’t imagine blowing money on anything more expensive than that.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Baby boomers are super into cars and trucks! Big houses and big trucks. I guess in the 70s, it was THE thing to have. I actually didn’t know that about the wine. My husband’s parents are huge wine people and they splurge on the pricey stuff. Hmm, wonder why there’s such a price differences.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I will say on the wine comment… I was at a fancy party 4-5 months ago and had a truly amazing glass of wine and took a pic of the bottle so I could look it up later. Much to my dismay, it was $250 per bottle! Of course I banished the thought of ever purchasing one and honestly, I’m really happy with bottles in the sub $20 range and I don’t even drink that much. It was probably luck of the draw more than anything since I’ve had a fancy glass before and not enjoyed it but it still cracked me up. And my husband reminded me I would lose all my street cred if I ever purchased a $250 bottle of wine anyway.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I have banished it from my brain and cannot remember it! Further, I can’t find the picture, but it is a small family vineyard in between Central and Northern CA (that narrows it down only slightly). I tried to do a google search for it and I can’t even find it (I would recognize the name). Lol. I believe it was an extra smooth tasting cab…. I’m laughing because I have 800 pictures on my phone that need to be deleted and I somehow managed to delete the one picture I am trying to reference.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I must admit, I’m 25 and I can’t WAIT to move back out to the ‘burbs in a couple years. I moved into Chicago about a month ago, for grad school, and city life is just a bit too fast-paced for me. So bring on those serial killer and Tom Hanks jokes! (That being said, I totally agree with giant houses being complete BS.)

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Not gonna lie, my Fella (fiance) and I just bought a house just under 3,200 sq ft. Yes, its too much house for just the two of us and our two fur babies, but its ours and if we get mad at each other and don’t want to ever see each other again, we’ve already agreed that he gets the basement and I get the upstairs, so 1,600 each… not so bad. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! Oh bexoxo absolutely girl! My general rants must not be taken too seriously haha! It’s like If I was Melania Trump I would need a 80,000,000 million square foot house to get away from Donald

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I love love love love this. I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I don’t care what my mom thinks of my lifestyle. You are so right, we don’t need any of this bullshit status symbol garbage. I want the smallest, cheapest place I can sleep in, the smallest car with the best gas mileage, and there’s no way in hell I would spend money on stupid jewelry or a huge wedding. If I was going to get married at all, it would be at a courthouse super cheap. As for the jewelry, I’d rather have a nice cheaper ring that’s just enough quality to not turn my finger green, but still looks pretty on my finger (but isn’t huge, because why would I want something I have to worry about snagging on everything!?) Simple is the way to go. Simple and small, that’s how I like to be. I’d rather spend my money on experiences, thank you!

    Like

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