Shit You Might Not Know Because No One Tells Millennials Anything

Girl in a dryer at a laundomat

Let me preempt this post by saying: maybe you had awesome boomer parents who were wise and gave you guidance and provided you with endless opportunities and pearls of wisdom. In which case, ask them if they are up for adopting a 29-year-old blogger who sometimes only pretends to wash her hands for the comfort of others and is not above eating things out of the garbage.

George Costanza eating out of the trash

But this post is for the rest of my contemporaries who, in our guidance-free lives, use #adulting and call all of our other millennial friends when we discover how to load a fucking dishwasher.

Our general cluelessness and enthusiasm for life hacks has been on my mind a lot and has led me to conduct a very unscientific poll. This week I have been asking all my millennial friends, “What is the best piece of advice you ever got from your parents?”

This was no easy assignment. Mostly they just looked confused and it took everyone at least two minutes to come up with anything at all.

Does, “Here’s a Stouffer’s frozen dinner, I’ll be getting drunk on the lawn,” count as advice?
– Sara

“Wipe front to back”, although my mom told me that meant wipe your vagina first, then your ass, which, is not actually what that means….
– Brin

“Don’t have sex till you’re married,” which meant I got married to have sex, and my idea of a good time and his idea of a good time was not at all a good time. We’re divorced now.
– Alexa

Ummmm………hmm………uhm…..
– Jo

I started going to college to be an engineer and after taking a poetry class decided to switch my major to poetry…my mom told me it was a great idea and to go for it…
– Sean

A sad state of affairs. So I decided to make a list of the things that you probably should know, but don’t because you’re a millennial and no one tells us shit.

1. The clitoris is the size of a zucchini

I know that you just frowned at that and said, “Oh, poor DGGYST. That’s called a penis, honey. You have a penis.”

For realsies, I do not have a penis. I have a zucchini clit and so do you! Apparently what we consider to be the clitoris is but the tip of the iceberg, the squash blossom if you will. Most of it is simply not visible to the naked man… I’m sorry, eye, the naked eye. Not only is it huge but the clitoris grows as you age, and by the time a woman is 32, the clitoris is four times the size it was at the onset of puberty. I’m working on the “Happy full-size clitoris” birthday cards as we speak!

2. Speaking of sexy vegetables…

Bell peppers with four bumps are female and are sweeter and better for eating raw. Bell peppers with 3 bumps are male and probably are not going to return your phone calls are better for cooking with.

A red and a green bell pepper

3. You are supposed to close your mouth when you brush your teeth

To access the teeth in the back upper quadrants of your mouth, you need to close your mouth. Maybe you are smarter than I am, but for 29 goddamn years (also known as 3 years till full clitoris day), I have been just opening my mouth wider to get back there. But that is not correct. There is one part of one tooth you will always miss unless you do the following jaw shifting oral dance.

You close the mouth and jut your jaw to the side you are brushing to create adequate space. Try it with your finger. I’ll wait. Touch the cheek side of the very back tooth on the upper right or left side of your mouth. Now open your mouth as wide as possible. You were just kicked off that tooth like a cowboy at the rodeo.

Now find the tooth again, close your mouth almost all the way but not quite and jut your lower jaw to the same side your finger is on. Viola. Space. Eureka! Feelings of joy at learning how to take care of yourself followed swiftly by feelings of resentment that you were never taught how to brush your fucking teeth!

4. The motherfucking saver’s credit

The formal name of the saver’s credit is the “retirement savings contributions credit.” I know it’s boring but hang in there, baby!

Essentially, you chuck a grand or two into a ROTH IRA…

Lindsay Lohan being bored

and at the end of the year you claim it on your taxes…

Lisa Kudrow being bored

and you get it back in your tax return.

You did it! Now you don’t have to eat cat food in your golden years! It’s free money and it’s easy to set one up!


Tell me DG readers, what is the best piece of advice your parents gave you, or something that you wish you had known? We’ll put them in the sequel!

Join DGGYST every Thursday for more advice on shit you didn’t know you were doing wrong and be sure to follow!

Oh, and you can take your finger out of your mouth now.

176 thoughts on “Shit You Might Not Know Because No One Tells Millennials Anything

  1. I didn’t know the thing about the bell pepper bumps and them being male or female. I just knew that red bell peppers were sweeter. I did know the clit is actually ginormous because I’ve done more anatomy research in the name of writing erotica than is probably normal (science and porn are fun, but better together). I didn’t “know” the tooth brushing thing, like if you’d asked me I wouldn’t have been able to explain it to you, but I have always kept my mouth closed while brushing the sides of my teeth. It was just… instinctual.

    The best piece of advice I ever got from my parents… Honestly, all of their advice came far too late, when I’d already made my mistakes. It’s kind of always been like, “Oh, it would have been better if you’d done this.” Really? It also would have been better if you’d told me to do THIS *before* I did THAT. Like, I was twenty-seven and had changed my college major six times before my mom suggested I take a career aptitude test (which I already had, about three times) and talk to my school counsellor (which proved just how out-of-touch she is with the state of education).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this and I love your writing voice! Thank you for sharing and making learning so damn entertaining!

    To add to your bell pepper knowledge, green peppers are the least sweet, yellow is more sweet, orange sweeter still, and red the sweetest. Red bell peppers are just green bell peppers at their most ripe. (Permagreen bell peppers will maintain their green color through ripening, though.) They’re picked/harvested at different stages (so your picked green bell pepper won’t turn red over time).

    xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish my parents(god bless their souls) told me to stay away from credit cards. I was a naive 18, when I got side swiped into getting a credit card,with a 3500 dollar limit, while trying to open a new chequings account. No 18 year old needs that. Needless to say I got laid off from my job, depended on that credit card and maxed it out til it got absorbed in a machine that I was trying to get money out of. I still have that debt haunting me, but I have another credit card now that I’ve been good with, now that I’m more responsible. The bank’s fault for thinking I was responsible enough then.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Not sure what a zucchini is but I expect it’s longish…
    I’m a ladies in my 50’s as you know and my moms advice to me in the 70’s was ‘always have your own money, never depend on a man’ my advice to you would be the same sweetheart..

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Lmfao!!!! I died. I literally died. But fully aged clitoris shall live in on spirit!!!
    My mom was awful!!!! But I’m not a millenial. I’m worse- I’m an 80s baby which means my parents were high on cocaine when I was conceived and they were probably too busy selling/snorting cocaine for the first years of my childhood which explains why I don’t remember much of them. Oh no. I’m a cocaine baby. Shit. That explains A LOT! Anywho…. I was cheated on once and my mom told me “SUCK IT UP . All men cheat. Just give him better head and call it a day.”

    Needless to say- me and my mom have never had very healthy relationship.

    Meh. Lmfao

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Seeing as how I was raised by a pack of god damn wolves I will tell you advice from other peoples parents that I lived by:
    On Credit: If you don’t have the money now- you probably won’t have it later either.
    On Getting Old: Getting old is the hardest job you’ll ever have- treat it with respect.
    On Sex: Screw them all but only blow the ones you love. (This one is just amusing now. I actually whole heartedly thought this was amazing advice until my late-20’s)
    That’s all I have today. Oh side note: a ZUCCHINI!?

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Now tell me, does the zucchini clit (courgette clit for us Brits!) wither and die from *ahem* lack of use? Does it rot like the aforementioned zucchini in the special vegetable box at the bottom of the fridge that you put in there to feel grown up and sorted and then ignore until it’s grown legs and can walk out of your kitchen itself?

    Do bell peppers have hormones? (Also, why the bell? We just call them… peppers. Groundbreaking). If I’ve eaten nothing but male bell peppers all my life am I getting pepper testosterone from them? Are they going to turn my clit into a dick? (Sidebar: I have some h-i-larious gigalo written erotic literature going up on my blog next week)

    If I leave a female and male bell pepper in the special vegetable drawer and maybe play a little Barry White and dim the fridge light am I going to find them going at it like rabbits on the top shelf?

    I’d claim the above weirdness is thanks to having a typhoid and hep b jab on the same day in the same arm but *shrugs* I think I just have freaky vegetable thoughts.

    Just LOVED this post! Xx

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Ahaha oh man, this post made me laugh hard! I’m so glad I stopped by, please keep writing more stuff like this. Us millennials need all the guidance we can get xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I love this post! There is nothing truer than this Also – love your voice. Your satire is hilarious!!
    Advice from my parents? Well, my mom is one of those hippy, “Let the universe guide you,” types, and my dad is the, “Get a job so you can support your family,” types, so I’m constantly in the middle of living life with my hair in the wind and figuring out how to save money. it’s quite the contradiction but I think it helps me stay balanced, haha

    xoxo Katelyn

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Hugely entertaining (although the bit about the bell peppers is a myth. No really. It is.) Here’s the best advice that my mom ever gave me. 1. Avaid your father when he’s drinking. 2. Always set aside the money for a car payment, even if your car is paid off. Her theory was that once you have your car paid off, it will start to fall apart. Keep a savings stash just for those repairs. And if it falls apart beyond repair, you’ll at least have a bit to put toward a down payment.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Love this post! I wish I knew more about credit cards 😑and I wish college wasn’t forced upon us. Now I have a useless degree with outrageous student loans. But I felt like if u didn’t go to college u were a loser. If my kids don’t wanna go to college I’m definitely going to support them on that!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. My parents always focused on saving money so I was always told to put 25% of my paycheck into a savings account. I’m 21 years old and have been doing this since I was about 17 and I’m so glad I’ve listened to this advice. 🙌🏽☺️😇

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yea they did really well with instilling that into me and my sisters. It took me a while to figure it out after getting my first job but eventually my mom sat with me once a week and took x amount away from me and eventually it all added up and now I’m going into my second year living on my own without having to as my parents for money or help. Meanwhile the majority of my friends still live at home or have moved back in with their families. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

        Liked by 2 people

  13. How about having 4 kids from two parents who gave tons of wisdom no one listened to? But fortunately we listen to each other. Our foster kids still listen to us. My patients listen to me. My parents finally started listening to me now that they’re in their 80s and have messed up the whole family. Having access to good advice doesn’t mean shit, does it? .

    Liked by 1 person

  14. If I never have my clit compared to a squash blossom again it will be too soon BUT. BUT BUT BUT –

    That toothbrushing thing! What the hell! How have I managed to get this far with all my teeth still intact when I don’t even know how to brush my own damn teeth?!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YES! Thank you! Ok, I thought that I wasn’t explaining it right, because its like, yea we all close our mouth, but noooooo, it’s a shifty jaw dance! Yay! Good breath is in our future Quinn!

      Like

  15. Dude!! Where are my button instructions because I need them like TODAY!! My god, you are hilarious! How the hell did I not know I was packing a vegetable sized whatcha-ma-dingy?! SAY WHAT?!?! And who knew about the pepper? I thought it was sweeter simply because it was red – like that fucking means anything, it’s not a lollipop, IT’S A GIRL!!
    And the best advice I ever got was from my dad (because my mom was too busy being an asshole), was don’t throw your empty beer bottles out the car window. It was the eighties, everybody’s parents were fucked up!
    This post was a masterfully written piece of hilarity, and you have once again blown my mind! I seriously can’t keep up with your awesomeness – you amaze me!! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Amazing post – sitting at work, stifling my giggles into my oversized mug of green tea, imagining my full grown zuchlitti in it’s full beauty.
    Anyhoo, my boomer parents taught me fuck all. I pretty much took it upon myself when I was 11, when I realised just how little they’d taught me, to essentially go out there and teach myself.
    So, maybe they did teach me something – don’t rely on others to educate yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Somewhere there’s a dude’s version of this I’m currently not reading. It probably skips straight to #4 and bloviates for hours about smart investing and DIY auto repair. And it’s probably not funny.

    Plus, I wouldn’t have learned the art of brushing my teeth and keeping my mouth shut. Both important life skills. 😉

    Another great entry!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Best piece of advice my mother ever gave me? I’m trying to think.

    She told me to always balance my checkbook, but tbh I haven’t done that in years. With online banking statements and apps at the touch of a finger, I don’t think it’s as necessary as in previous years. Back then, you might not know how much money you had in your account until the end of the month when the statement came. Now I can check my balance an unlimited number of times a day with my banking app, because I’m paranoid like that.

    She told me to never trust a guy, because they will all leave you and hurt you. I just went through the worst breakup of my entire life, and I’m starting to believe that’s true. It’s been six different guys, with each one better than the last one, and each relationship ending up the same way: me tossed aside like last week’s rubbish, sobbing my heart out over a man I still love.

    Just FYI though, that bell pepper thing has been disproven several times over, most certainly and definitely by snopes: http://www.snopes.com/food/ingredient/bellpepper.asp. I’ve eaten hundreds of peppers with different numbers of bumps on the bottom and there’s been no difference between any of them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Lauren I am so sorry you are broken hearted =( Heartbreak pain is so bad, I remember having to take aspiring to keep my chest from hurting =( Yea, another commenter outed my damn bell peppers, but do you think I was right about the four bump peppers being more likely to return my calls?

      Like

  19. You’re funny, I like it.

    I can, very unfairly, only recall my dad’s worst advice to me. He told me to look up to a friend of his, who decided to marry a guy a little on the dull side – “Excitement isn’t everything you know, he’s dependable”. When they divorced 5 or 6 years later he’d forgotten these sage words, and told me “Just never settle, trust your gut and be with someone fun”. Bless him, he also listened to a 23 year old me blah on about my 5 year career plan and then said “That’s all fine, but if you don’t make space in your life for love, of any kind, it’ll be worthless, and you’ll be joyless.” Buuuuuurn. But he was right!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. OK. I’m an old guy *waits for the awkward pause to pass*

    You are friggin hilarious. I’m a huge (arguably zucchini-sized) fan of Tanya at Incurable Dreamer, so we know that even though I’m an old guy *waits again* I’ve still got potential.

    But now I feel like I’ve got sooo much to learn. This is like school. But bloggier!
    Totally excited to be following

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gabe! Welcome to the girls-club! Now we only have about 3 male followers, so would you like to be referred to as a “Tire-changer” or “spider-catcher?” Thank you so much for your support!! (Also Tanya: amazing right?)

      Liked by 2 people

  21. I knew about the size of the clitoris because I used to be a professional body piercer and had to learn all about the anatomy of the genitalia for both men and women so I could properly drive metal shafts through their naughty bits. Which means I have much more knowledge about the layout of a woman’s plumbing than most women do. Or at least much more than my wife, but she went to a private Lutheran school, so maybe they just didn’t teach them that stuff.

    Transformed Nonconformist

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s