Let me preempt this post by saying: maybe you had awesome boomer parents who were wise and gave you guidance and provided you with endless opportunities and pearls of wisdom. In which case, ask them if they are up for adopting a 29-year-old blogger who sometimes only pretends to wash her hands for the comfort of others and is not above eating things out of the garbage.
But this post is for the rest of my contemporaries who, in our guidance-free lives, use #adulting and call all of our other millennial friends when we discover how to load a fucking dishwasher.
Our general cluelessness and enthusiasm for life hacks has been on my mind a lot and has led me to conduct a very unscientific poll. This week I have been asking all my millennial friends, “What is the best piece of advice you ever got from your parents?”
This was no easy assignment. Mostly they just looked confused and it took everyone at least two minutes to come up with anything at all.
Does, “Here’s a Stouffer’s frozen dinner, I’ll be getting drunk on the lawn,” count as advice?
“Wipe front to back”, although my mom told me that meant wipe your vagina first, then your ass, which, is not actually what that means….
“Don’t have sex till you’re married,” which meant I got married to have sex, and my idea of a good time and his idea of a good time was not at all a good time. We’re divorced now.
I started going to college to be an engineer and after taking a poetry class decided to switch my major to poetry…my mom told me it was a great idea and to go for it…
A sad state of affairs. So I decided to make a list of the things that you probably should know, but don’t because you’re a millennial and no one tells us shit.
I know that you just frowned at that and said, “Oh, poor DGGYST. That’s called a penis, honey. You have a penis.”
For realsies, I do not have a penis. I have a zucchini clit and so do you! Apparently what we consider to be the clitoris is but the tip of the iceberg, the squash blossom if you will. Most of it is simply not visible to the naked man… I’m sorry, eye, the naked eye. Not only is it huge but the clitoris grows as you age, and by the time a woman is 32, the clitoris is four times the size it was at the onset of puberty. I’m working on the “Happy full-size clitoris” birthday cards as we speak!
2. Speaking of sexy vegetables…
Bell peppers with four bumps are female and are sweeter and better for eating raw. Bell peppers with 3 bumps are male and
probably are not going to return your phone calls are better for cooking with.
3. You are supposed to close your mouth when you brush your teeth
To access the teeth in the back upper quadrants of your mouth, you need to close your mouth. Maybe you are smarter than I am, but for 29 goddamn years (also known as 3 years till full clitoris day), I have been just opening my mouth wider to get back there. But that is not correct. There is one part of one tooth you will always miss unless you do the following jaw shifting oral dance.
You close the mouth and jut your jaw to the side you are brushing to create adequate space. Try it with your finger. I’ll wait. Touch the cheek side of the very back tooth on the upper right or left side of your mouth. Now open your mouth as wide as possible. You were just kicked off that tooth like a cowboy at the rodeo.
Now find the tooth again, close your mouth almost all the way but not quite and jut your lower jaw to the same side your finger is on. Viola. Space. Eureka! Feelings of joy at learning how to take care of yourself followed swiftly by feelings of resentment that you were never taught how to brush your fucking teeth!
4. The motherfucking saver’s credit
The formal name of the saver’s credit is the “retirement savings contributions credit.” I know it’s boring but hang in there, baby!
Essentially, you chuck a grand or two into a ROTH IRA…
and at the end of the year you claim it on your taxes…
and you get it back in your tax return.
You did it! Now you don’t have to eat cat food in your golden years! It’s free money and it’s easy to set one up!
Tell me DG readers, what is the best piece of advice your parents gave you, or something that you wish you had known? We’ll put them in the sequel!
Join DGGYST every Thursday for more advice on shit you didn’t know you were doing wrong and be sure to follow!
Oh, and you can take your finger out of your mouth now.