Fuck High Heels

A woman in high heel shoes

I’ve made a pretty revolutionary decision. I’ve decided to never wear anything uncomfortable ever again. Like. Ever….

Bridget Jones holding up a pair of large panties.

I’m doing a whole series on this shit. It’s about self-care and feminism and honor! …Or possibly me just being fed up with being fucking uncomfortable. I’ll be hurling all of my itchy, too tight, too high-necked, too-anything out of my closet and into a pile where I will urinate on them and light it all on fire and dance naked around the smelly polyester bonfire….Oh, like you have anything better to do on a Friday night.

I’ll be starting this purge with my shoes, because no itchy sweater, no tight pant, no binding dress can compare to the mass discomfort and mass destruction of high heels.

I get it: I’m 5’9″ barefooted. I love to strap on a pair of three-inch heels and just tower over my enemies. There’s nothing quite like going into a situation knowing if someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t really matter because you could CRUSH THEIR TOWN.

 

Godzilla pushing over a building

So, no judgment. I get why we do it. But me? I’m done, and you can be too!

Are high heels walking all over your future self?

I came to the conclusion to ditch my heels when I was going over my retirement account with my financial advisor. I walked (hobbled) up the flight of stairs to her office, sat down, and began planning my future. What kind of retirement did I see myself having? What did I want my day to look like?

“Well, obviously,” I told her, “I’ll be climbing the Great Wall of China…”

(secretly removes heel from shoe under table)

“and zip-lining in Costa Rica…”

(sniffs at air, is that… blood I smell?)

“and just enjoying life, traveling the world, taking yoga classes at 2:00 in the afternoon. So Roth me up, lady!”

“Ok, I just need you to sign a few things.”

Finally.

“Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry, hang on, my shoe is filling with my own blood.”

“Oh that’s good. You need to sign it in blood.” (Maybe that part is made up.)

It was my monkey-touched-the-monolith moment. Hiking? Biking? Romping around Paris? I’m not going to be able to do any of that shit, you know why? Because bunions, low back pain, plantar fasciitis, and the degradation of your natural foot cushion fucking hurts. It hurts. Like, how crazy is that?

I might be shitting on my future self because I want to look like a drunken baby dinosaur walking down the street.

Woman walking horribly in high heels

I could scare you with images of Victoria Beckham’s feet, but I don’t want you to have nightmares and  you already know heels are bad for you.

You already know that they hurt. You’ve already heard older, wiser women complain about the pain in their feet and how they wish they hadn’t spent all those years vacuuming in stilettos.  You’ve already wrapped your bleeding feet in bandages and ointments and orgasmically kicked off those torture devices at the end of the day. You’ve already seen those scary infographics telling you that you put approximately 7 billion pounds of pressure onto every square millimeter of your foot for every step you take in a high heel…. (Source not found)

So I’ve decided high heels can go straight to hell

The more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t justify wearing them. I nicknamed them my ” hurt now-hurt laters” years ago, but they always made me feel like… well… like I had my shit together.

So again, I get it. I’m all about doing what you need to do to get through the day, if strapping on some foot spikes gives you that little extra confidence you need to get shit done, by all means. I just write these because I love my womens.

I want you to be running from the zombie apocalypse at full speed, unencumbered by foot spikes. I want you to be kicking your enemies with gusto! I want you to be winning jump rope competitions with your awesome she-feet!

So let me help you.

1. Get your shoes stretched

We’ve already established that DGGYST is a millennial and will sometimes come to you with “Holy shit guys! Did you know the metal box in your kitchen COOKS FOOD!” But I am fairly confident that most women do not get their shoes professionally shaped and stretched. But believe me when I say:

WORTH.

EVERY.

FUCKING.

PENNY.

Apparently shoes come off the line with purposefully malformed heel-cups so that they fit in their box better. For 15-20 dollars, you can take your shoes into a shoe repair place and get that heel cup fixed and the shoe formed to your foot. Life is too short to break in your own shoes, so if you do want to stick with your heels, for god’s sake send them to boot camp (see what I did there? It’s a shoe pun. Because a boot is a shoe. You get it!)

2. Compromise

The present you wants to look leggy at the bar but the future you wants to be able to get through the day without prescription-strength painkillers. The compromise? Wedges, low or thick heels. The comfortable heel isn’t as granny as it used to be. These are my absolute favorites and yes, that shit is affiliated (stay tuned for my post, “Fuck Yeah I Do Affiliate Sales”).

Earth Amber Heel Bootie (These are my everything)

Trotters Mickey wedge sandal (I have these in three colors)

Earth Lynx shoes (Also excellent)

Earth Belltower flat (I literally have ten pairs of these in case they ever stop making them; it’s a sickness)


Stay tuned every Thursday for more advice on shit you didn’t know you were doing wrong and be sure to subscribe!

 

 

135 thoughts on “Fuck High Heels

  1. DGGYST, you absolutely friggin rock!! I’m not lucky to be tall like you but still I have ditched my high heels since the beginning of this year. Now I go shopping and do almost everything in sneakers and running shoes. My feet had never felt better!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m 5’9 too and always admired high heels. I would buy a pair, wear them around my room, but never leave the house with them. My mom’s fault for telling me I looked like a giraffe when she caught me practicing walking in them. I wear them nowadays,(not always, my BF is only 5’11 and questions his masculinaty when I stand beside him)but I always get them with a wider heel because I don’t feel like teetering on those skinny ass popsicle sticks.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I pretty much won’t wear heels anymore, not so much because I am protecting future me but because I don’t like to be wearing shoes that limit what I can do. If the night goes in the direction of climbing a fence, I want to be able to do it. I don’t want to have anyone wait for me; I want to be walking at the fastest pace and let them follow behind me. Yes, fuck heels.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your posts are so earthy and granola- 100% legit and REAL. I am drawn to your style, twisted little sense of humor and the keen ability to still get facts and/or your perception across to your audience. You are the cause of my chuckles and smiles during my downtime. I hope to be half as awesome as you “when I grow up.” Thanks!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. …and still I stuff my feet into those tiny torture devices and pray to every God out there that I can just make it through the day so I can kick them off and feel the cold hard wood floor beneath my bare feet to ease the burning before submerging my feet in water as hot as I can to make sure the blisters and torn skin don’t get infected. Why you ask? Because like you said.. the make me feel like I got my shit together. The bigger reason..? I’m new to this adult world (5 months out of college) and I get taken more seriously if I’m wearing my heels. So, maybe one day I’ll have the courage to toss them in a pile and bid them farewell, but but for now they are my best friends and my worst enemies.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. This was an amazing post! I am only 5’2 and I have given up heals. I figure, what is the point on being so darn uncomfortable with shoes on that only kill your back, feet and legs. Sometimes us women need to put comfort ahead of fashion. You can still look good in some cute flat shoes! And as for tight dress and pants, I agree with you!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Yes! This and ten times this! I had a hip replacement 11 years ago at 40 and bought a LOT of heels afterwards after years of not being able to wear them. The pleasure was immense but brief. NOTHING I live doing depends on heels x

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I fucking love this! I have a closet full of 5in. heels and I haven’t touched 90% of them in a couple years. Def checking out your recommendations because I need comfy cute shoes!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so glad I found your blog. I love your posts, they make me laugh so hard! I’m only 5’2″ and although some extra inches would be good I can’t be doing with high heels. I walk like an idiot. So, for years I’ve stuck with a max of 3 inches and thick heels. I want to be able walk fast without looking like I’m doing a tight-rope walk!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Omg ever since I had my two children. High hells have been a struggle. Wearing them is like walking on stilts. I just can’t anymore my ankles will not allow me. I felt bad. I lost enthusiasm in dressing up and going out because I was so uncomfortable with heels.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Damn Girl.

    You are the very first commenter on my brand new, ain’t even built rite yet, blog.

    On my FIRST POST!! May I ask? How the hell did you come across me in the past (looks at Watch-oh hell I have no perception of time- and no time to go back and look at the time I posted it) …since I hit publish? Like not even an hour?? Maybe 2?

    So, yeah. Saw the name of your blog. “Oooh. Nice title.”
    Saw the first link in your recommended posts ….

    “wtf? She’s speaking my language?? I didn’t know anybody even understands my language, except for my husband and POSSIBLY the dogs. That’s still a big ??.)
    OK I’ve wasted a lot of time today. But I just have to “clicky quickie”.

    Let me say this…..

    I have spent a very rare amount of time of my life and heels. I’ve always hated them. Despised them. I’ve always had “problem feet”.
    (Did you know that’s actually a specified “health problem area for Pisces.” I don’t put much stock in that. But, that one. DEAD ON.)

    I much prefer flip-flops. In fact, that’s all I wear now, flip-flops. A very specific kind of flip-flops.
    I’m on my 6th or 7th pair of them now. Because they are the ONLY THING IVE FOUND YET, that I can walk in.

    Let me add, I HAVE TO WEAR SHOES. EVEN INSIDE. A cooked, half-dried, errant grain of rice on the floor, under MY foot, feels like a 2” wide shard of steel, has been heated red hot, and plunged through the bottom of my foot all the way through. Yeah, 3 kids, 2 dogs, on a GOOD day, this chick wears squishy shoes constantly.

    Because even though I didn’t spend as much time as most people do in heels,
    I have planters fasciitis, and an abundant, enormous amount of spurs. My xray looked like someone put a miniature “fortress of solitude” inside my heels.

    Just one of the things that has me living on multiple painkillers, of the highest narcotic quality, pretty much taking the most I can. (I can’t wait to get off these painkillers, but that’s another story.)

    To sum up:

    1- thanks for the like!!

    2- Women, Whether you wear heels or not, TAKE REALLY FUCKING GOOD CARE OF YOUR FEET. They literally carry you through your whole life. (Unless you have some other reason why you can’t walk, in which case, my sympathies, we all have our issues. I feel ya, cuz until 2 years ago, I couldn’t walk for about 7 years. And not just because of my feet.)
    For gods sake, take the time and effort to CARE about your feet. They need more love than your FACE.

    3- I like your style. Following. And putting down my phone as soon as I clicky “post comment” Because the hubs just came home and all I’ve been doing is writing all day long!!
    I got to go get that man a glass of tea, and take his shoes off for him. Because that’s what I do. (More on that later, over on my blog.)

    💋 me to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I broke my left ankle a few years ago so no more heels was an easy choice. Some of the heels out there are ridiculous! I sometimes feel the need to take the arm of a random high heel wearing stranger and help them teeter to safety.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. “I want you to be running from the zombie apocalypse at full speed, unencumbered by foot spikes.” Great post with sound advice! As a Boomer, I learned the hard way what you now know about heels. It is all true! Foot nerves rebel over time when toes are crushed into sexy shoes. Just say no to heels and yes to wedges, sandals and comfort.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. YES! Foot nerves do rebel!! Sometimes my feet will just send up these weird ZINGS and I’m like ” Hey gals, whats the deal” and they are like “Remember the stilettos in 1994? It’s payback time” lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Funny. Mine began with toes tingling a few years ago, intermittent numbness lasting weeks. I’m not diabetic so I knew it wasn’t that. Had no idea as to cause. Chatted up a stranger wearing a foot cast while awaiting a plane, only to learn about shoe damage. Stopped wearing close toed shoes and viola – my pain ceased. I wore pumps for 20 yrs in my career so there ya go.

        Liked by 2 people

  14. Can I add a shoe to the “you gotta wear these” list? Indigo clogs by Clarks. Yeah, I know that I just used the word “clogs” but I don’t CARE. It’s like walking on a cloud. I WANT TO WALK ON CLOUDS! Thank you, that is all I wanted to say right now.

    Liked by 2 people

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