I’ve made a pretty revolutionary decision. I’ve decided to never wear anything uncomfortable ever again. Like. Ever….
I’m doing a whole series on this shit. It’s about self-care and feminism and honor! …Or possibly me just being fed up with being fucking uncomfortable. I’ll be hurling all of my itchy, too tight, too high-necked, too-anything out of my closet and into a pile where I will urinate on them and light it all on fire and dance naked around the smelly polyester bonfire….Oh, like you have anything better to do on a Friday night.
I’ll be starting this purge with my shoes, because no itchy sweater, no tight pant, no binding dress can compare to the mass discomfort and mass destruction of high heels.
I get it: I’m 5’9″ barefooted. I love to strap on a pair of three-inch heels and just tower over my enemies. There’s nothing quite like going into a situation knowing if someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t really matter because you could CRUSH THEIR TOWN.
So, no judgment. I get why we do it. But me? I’m done, and you can be too!
Are high heels walking all over your future self?
I came to the conclusion to ditch my heels when I was going over my retirement account with my financial advisor. I walked (hobbled) up the flight of stairs to her office, sat down, and began planning my future. What kind of retirement did I see myself having? What did I want my day to look like?
“Well, obviously,” I told her, “I’ll be climbing the Great Wall of China…”
(secretly removes heel from shoe under table)
“and zip-lining in Costa Rica…”
(sniffs at air, is that… blood I smell?)
“and just enjoying life, traveling the world, taking yoga classes at 2:00 in the afternoon. So Roth me up, lady!”
“Ok, I just need you to sign a few things.”
“Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry, hang on, my shoe is filling with my own blood.”
“Oh that’s good. You need to sign it in blood.” (Maybe that part is made up.)
It was my monkey-touched-the-monolith moment. Hiking? Biking? Romping around Paris? I’m not going to be able to do any of that shit, you know why? Because bunions, low back pain, plantar fasciitis, and the degradation of your natural foot cushion fucking hurts. It hurts. Like, how crazy is that?
I might be shitting on my future self because I want to look like a drunken baby dinosaur walking down the street.
I could scare you with images of Victoria Beckham’s feet, but I don’t want you to have nightmares and you already know heels are bad for you.
You already know that they hurt. You’ve already heard older, wiser women complain about the pain in their feet and how they wish they hadn’t spent all those years vacuuming in stilettos. You’ve already wrapped your bleeding feet in bandages and ointments and orgasmically kicked off those torture devices at the end of the day. You’ve already seen those scary infographics telling you that you put approximately 7 billion pounds of pressure onto every square millimeter of your foot for every step you take in a high heel…. (Source not found)
So I’ve decided high heels can go straight to hell
The more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t justify wearing them. I nicknamed them my ” hurt now-hurt laters” years ago, but they always made me feel like… well… like I had my shit together.
So again, I get it. I’m all about doing what you need to do to get through the day, if strapping on some foot spikes gives you that little extra confidence you need to get shit done, by all means. I just write these because I love my womens.
I want you to be running from the zombie apocalypse at full speed, unencumbered by foot spikes. I want you to be kicking your enemies with gusto! I want you to be winning jump rope competitions with your awesome she-feet!
So let me help you.
1. Get your shoes stretched
We’ve already established that DGGYST is a millennial and will sometimes come to you with “Holy shit guys! Did you know the metal box in your kitchen COOKS FOOD!” But I am fairly confident that most women do not get their shoes professionally shaped and stretched. But believe me when I say:
Apparently shoes come off the line with purposefully malformed heel-cups so that they fit in their box better. For 15-20 dollars, you can take your shoes into a shoe repair place and get that heel cup fixed and the shoe formed to your foot. Life is too short to break in your own shoes, so if you do want to stick with your heels, for god’s sake send them to boot camp (see what I did there? It’s a shoe pun. Because a boot is a shoe. You get it!)
The present you wants to look leggy at the bar but the future you wants to be able to get through the day without prescription-strength painkillers. The compromise? Wedges, low or thick heels. The comfortable heel isn’t as granny as it used to be. These are my absolute favorites and yes, that shit is affiliated (stay tuned for my post, “Fuck Yeah I Do Affiliate Sales”).
Earth Amber Heel Bootie (These are my everything)
Trotters Mickey wedge sandal (I have these in three colors)
Earth Lynx shoes (Also excellent)
Earth Belltower flat (I literally have ten pairs of these in case they ever stop making them; it’s a sickness)
Stay tuned every Thursday for more advice on shit you didn’t know you were doing wrong and be sure to subscribe!