Fuck High Heels

A woman in high heel shoes

I’ve made a pretty revolutionary decision. I’ve decided to never wear anything uncomfortable ever again. Like. Ever….

Bridget Jones holding up a pair of large panties.

I’m doing a whole series on this shit. It’s about self-care and feminism and honor! …Or possibly me just being fed up with being fucking uncomfortable. I’ll be hurling all of my itchy, too tight, too high-necked, too-anything out of my closet and into a pile where I will urinate on them and light it all on fire and dance naked around the smelly polyester bonfire….Oh, like you have anything better to do on a Friday night.

I’ll be starting this purge with my shoes, because no itchy sweater, no tight pant, no binding dress can compare to the mass discomfort and mass destruction of high heels.

I get it: I’m 5’9″ barefooted. I love to strap on a pair of three-inch heels and just tower over my enemies. There’s nothing quite like going into a situation knowing if someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t really matter because you could CRUSH THEIR TOWN.

 

Godzilla pushing over a building

So, no judgment. I get why we do it. But me? I’m done, and you can be too!

Are high heels walking all over your future self?

I came to the conclusion to ditch my heels when I was going over my retirement account with my financial advisor. I walked (hobbled) up the flight of stairs to her office, sat down, and began planning my future. What kind of retirement did I see myself having? What did I want my day to look like?

“Well, obviously,” I told her, “I’ll be climbing the Great Wall of China…”

(secretly removes heel from shoe under table)

“and zip-lining in Costa Rica…”

(sniffs at air, is that… blood I smell?)

“and just enjoying life, traveling the world, taking yoga classes at 2:00 in the afternoon. So Roth me up, lady!”

“Ok, I just need you to sign a few things.”

Finally.

“Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry, hang on, my shoe is filling with my own blood.”

“Oh that’s good. You need to sign it in blood.” (Maybe that part is made up.)

It was my monkey-touched-the-monolith moment. Hiking? Biking? Romping around Paris? I’m not going to be able to do any of that shit, you know why? Because bunions, low back pain, plantar fasciitis, and the degradation of your natural foot cushion fucking hurts. It hurts. Like, how crazy is that?

I might be shitting on my future self because I want to look like a drunken baby dinosaur walking down the street.

Woman walking horribly in high heels

I could scare you with images of Victoria Beckham’s feet, but I don’t want you to have nightmares and  you already know heels are bad for you.

You already know that they hurt. You’ve already heard older, wiser women complain about the pain in their feet and how they wish they hadn’t spent all those years vacuuming in stilettos.  You’ve already wrapped your bleeding feet in bandages and ointments and orgasmically kicked off those torture devices at the end of the day. You’ve already seen those scary infographics telling you that you put approximately 7 billion pounds of pressure onto every square millimeter of your foot for every step you take in a high heel…. (Source not found)

So I’ve decided high heels can go straight to hell

The more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t justify wearing them. I nicknamed them my ” hurt now-hurt laters” years ago, but they always made me feel like… well… like I had my shit together.

So again, I get it. I’m all about doing what you need to do to get through the day, if strapping on some foot spikes gives you that little extra confidence you need to get shit done, by all means. I just write these because I love my womens.

I want you to be running from the zombie apocalypse at full speed, unencumbered by foot spikes. I want you to be kicking your enemies with gusto! I want you to be winning jump rope competitions with your awesome she-feet!

So let me help you.

1. Get your shoes stretched

We’ve already established that DGGYST is a millennial and will sometimes come to you with “Holy shit guys! Did you know the metal box in your kitchen COOKS FOOD!” But I am fairly confident that most women do not get their shoes professionally shaped and stretched. But believe me when I say:

WORTH.

EVERY.

FUCKING.

PENNY.

Apparently shoes come off the line with purposefully malformed heel-cups so that they fit in their box better. For 15-20 dollars, you can take your shoes into a shoe repair place and get that heel cup fixed and the shoe formed to your foot. Life is too short to break in your own shoes, so if you do want to stick with your heels, for god’s sake send them to boot camp (see what I did there? It’s a shoe pun. Because a boot is a shoe. You get it!)

2. Compromise

The present you wants to look leggy at the bar but the future you wants to be able to get through the day without prescription-strength painkillers. The compromise? Wedges, low or thick heels. The comfortable heel isn’t as granny as it used to be. These are my absolute favorites and yes, that shit is affiliated (stay tuned for my post, “Fuck Yeah I Do Affiliate Sales”).

Earth Amber Heel Bootie (These are my everything)

Trotters Mickey wedge sandal (I have these in three colors)

Earth Lynx shoes (Also excellent)

Earth Belltower flat (I literally have ten pairs of these in case they ever stop making them; it’s a sickness)


Stay tuned every Thursday for more advice on shit you didn’t know you were doing wrong and be sure to subscribe!

 

 

143 thoughts on “Fuck High Heels

  1. I feel your pain. I have also ditched the mother effers. I know how an array of cute flats and converse. I might slip back into my heel addiction if i’m well enough to go back to work or you know ever get laid again haha 💜

    Liked by 7 people

    1. hahahaha! Betty! You kill me! I tweeted earlier that there are going to be a lot of disappointed people searching for erotic footwear with “Fuck HIgh Heels” and instead they are going to find me lol

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am LIVING! What a great post. I love shoes of all kinds, but wedges and booties are my everything! I have a hard time walking in stilettos or high heels that are just a few thin straps of painful material. I’m also 5’9″! And towering over enemies and destroying cities? The best. But on top of the “heels are so uncomfortable!” issue, I have a hard time finding the comfy ones in my size. </3 I'm an 11 (tall girl, big feet) and the comfy heels are so evasive. But anyway, great post! As usual, full of humor and A+ advice. 🙂 xx

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Kaiya, ❤❤, I hear you woman! I have duck feet on top of everything else, so might just stop wearing shoes altogether, and will do a post called “Fuck All Footwear!”haha

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Very well put! I agree with you 100%. Comfort is the only way to go. It is always worth every extra penny to make sure something fits your body perfectly, otherwise, there is just too much unnecessary tugging, or pulling, and embarrassing toppling behaviors that happen in front of the world. Being a survivor in life… I feel my clothes are my protective gear. The better they fit, the better the quality, the easier it will be to move in and out of sticky situations on the go. 😉

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I’m pretty sure we need to be best friends. Just saying. Okay, so I am 5 feet tall and love a good pair of heels in order to feel dressed up. I’m literally one of those people you could easily step on. I have found that over the past two years I’ve slowed down with heels by 90 percent. I wear them for something extra. Back in the day I’d only wear flats to work on Fridays.

    I went out two nights ago and put on some heels after a whole summer without them, and it was so uncomfortable. But straight up, I need my feet for adventure and chasing down whoever the fuck is messing with me. I know how bad they are 😦 I’m starting to build my wedge collection now.

    P.S. Affiliate your ass off. We support you. You support us. Do your thing, girl.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I just adore you, there’s no words. We will have an international Damn Girl night out and we can sneak off somewhere and exchange those BFF necklaces haha! (remember, those? So innocent!)

      Like

  5. Bahahahah this made me laugh… and also cringe in sympathy. I wear heels sometimes for work, but I have learned to be VERY picky before buying. Only comfy heels for me, and mostly wedges. But even the most comfortable pair can slow you down or hurt after standing for 8 hours. I SUPPORT YOUR DECISION.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. I only wear heels at weddings and even then I bring a pair of flats because two drinks in I don’t care what my legs look like anymore, I just want to be comfortable as I embarrass myself dancing to Hey Ya.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Oh those shoes are so cute. I haven’t worn high heels in around 2 years, so the baby dinosaur thing is definitely going to be there when/if I start wearing them again… this post made me chuckle x

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Loved this post, great idea about forgetting the uncomfortable things in life.
    Life is too short to stand in high heels that kill you whenever you walk in them and kill whenever you take them off and kill for days after. I totally agree, heels for me is a pain and I want to wear them as I am only five foot something small inch but they kill me feet so flats are my friend. 🙃

    Liked by 4 people

  9. I am all about this! I gave up on heels a few years back, and although I’m only 5ft6, I don’t care. I’ve had far more enjoyable nights out in flats or tiny heels. I’m the same for a lot of things. Any item of clothing that makes me want to punch someone in the face because it’s uncomfortable as hell, has got to go!

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Before a ankle dislocation and leg breaking event (in which I was wearing sneakers – I have fallen in every type of shoes EXCEPT heels) I wore heels all the time and can’t wait to get back into them when I am fully healed (haha-accidental pun).

    Being 5’9 as well I LOVE them and people always ask about comfort – I only buy comfortable shoes. Some of my least comfortable are my flats and I kick them right out the door. Funny how things work.

    Liked by 4 people

  11. I’ve never been one to put myself through the pain of high heeled stilettos – damn I don’t think I’ve ever even purchased a pair! Cannot fathom putting my feet through that shit – comfort trumps it every day!

    Liked by 3 people

  12. I completely agree with you!! I stopped wearing eight months ago. I went to Las Vegas for New Year’s and wore a new pair of heels out to the club on NYE. I was literally writhing in pain after just an hour. I couldn’t enjoy the dancing or pretty much anything about the night. I ended up sitting on the ground in the lobby with my shoes off, rubbing my bleeding toes. That’s when I decided never again! I am perfectly happy going out with my friends and being the short one. Being able to walk comfortably and dance is way more worthwhile to me than how good my legs look in heels! Good for you!

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Yes! Yes! Yes!You miss out on so many joyful experiences! It’s ridiculous! So many weddings and dates and outings that I have been like ” yea yea yea, you’re very handsome “Ian Somerhalder” Or whatever your name is, but I gotta go home and get out of these things” lol

      Like

    2. Beginning of the night: girls in tall heels look glamorous, towering over things and looking with vague pity at the girl with low heels or flat boots.

      End of the night: girls with tall heels in thier hands limp thier injured feet across the sidewalk outside club; low/flat heel girl looks glamorous.

      Morning: one lonely stray heel lingers on the sidewalk where it was dropped, begging to tell someone how it got there.. but no one stops.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. My wife completely agrees with you. I’m still on the fence.

    Don’t judge me. 😉

    I do have to say that even though this was entirely targeted at your female audience, I feel like Godzilla was included just for me. My thanks for that. 😎

    Now I’m just gonna sit over here and pretend you didn’t just urinate all over your clothes. 🤐

    Liked by 4 people

  14. Goodness woman!! Fab post as always! I’m 5’8 and with a low arched absolutely humungous amazonian feet so i totally get what youre saying. I hate the discomfort of heels but sometimes i love wearing them and towering over my friends hahaha. Once my ex boyfriend complained how i become taller than him when im in heels haha! Luckily my fiance and soon to be husband in less than 6 months is taller than me!!! I can flaunt heels with him when i want and not be stuck with flats forever!!! I love having the option!

    -Maleeha
    https://inyourfacebymaleeha.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

  15. With the exception of a few pairs of shoes I consider for photography prop purposes only (ie: I do not walk in them, ever), if I wear heels they are exclusively chunky. This was a pretty easy switch for me, since I’m one of those gothy types and we’re known for big, chunky, platform shoes. I’ve found chunky heels (with insoles) much more comfortable than stilettos, by a mile. But, my dailies are still a pair of pure black sneakers. Because, like you said, back problems.

    I didn’t know professional shoe shaping was a thing. I will have to get in touch with the shoe repair place and see how much they charge. I have some shoes that just never quite broke in, because I couldn’t stand wearing them long enough to do it.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. From a lass who owns MANY pairs of stilletos and nowadays only ever wears them to places I will be sitting the whole time… I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF THIS. God only knows how I used to totter around in them after one too many vodkas. Pretty though…

    Liked by 5 people

  17. I was never really heel person. So I guess my future feet will thank me! I did do ballet though 😫 so that might balance out the lack of heel wearing. But for the sake of comfort can we get rid of bras? Seriously burn them all 😖

    Liked by 2 people

  18. You probably don’t care what a geezer thinks, but I’m going to tell you anyway. You are wise beyond your years and you speak the truth. Back in the day I thought hippie women were the sexiest women on the planet. Why? Because they were comfortable. Bare feet, sandals, loose cotton clothing, etc. so they felt good and were relaxed. I still think it’s hot. As natural as they can be. Do it for yourselves women and screw what anyone thinks. A pain free, relaxed existence is a happy existence. Listen to dggyst.

    Liked by 5 people

  19. I love your beautifully-fucking-wacky brain, so much! This was a total hoot and had me laughing out loud. But dude. I feel so left out after reading this. I rocked out my high school years in sweats and high tops (I was a real catch -NOT). In my 20’s and 30’s I felt like I was too gay to wear anything girlie so I wore plaid and oversized pants with a bowl cut. WTF was wrong with me?? Now I am embracing my inner glam and rock out a dress like a boss, but anything higher than a flat makes me look like I need to take a dump, and the two don’t really go hand in hand. You can’t look glam, and like you are shitting at the same time. You just can’t. And to top it off I have arthritis so even attempting to wear high heels isn’t an option. So this is what is going to happen – I am going to die never knowing what it is like to be able to crush someone’s town. EVER! NOT FAIR!!
    I love you and I love this post. The end.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Tanya, did you see your button? Isn’t it beautiful! lol! Girl, you didn’t miss shit…or looking like you were taking one…..You were just very wise with your gayness…although I can not for the life of me picture the bowl cut! We’re going to have to add going through old photo albums to our champagne in canada date!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My button looks so beautiful and I am so deeply honoured that you have buttoned my blog! It means a whole lot, I hope you know that! Did you check out how fabulous yours looks on my site? It fits perfectly! And dude, adding photo album gawking to our champagne date. Brace yourself, it’s gonna blow your mind! xo

        Liked by 1 person

  20. Earth Amber heel Bootie… Earth Amber Heel Bootie… Earth Amber Heel Bootie… well that didn’t work. I was trying that ‘the secret’ junk. If you say it out loud it will come to you or something like that. Better get out a vision board. God, I’m in love with those booties! ~Kim

    Liked by 3 people

  21. OH MY GAWD! We need to go to a bar together and fuck shit up. LMAO! AND IN FLATS. I’ll do wedges. Actually- wedges are the ONLY heels I wear thanks to my constantly sprained ankles (superrr sensitive like my soul). Other than a nice wedge- it’s not fucking happening. I died! I died laughing that the GIFS!!! SO something I’d do hahahaha especially the one where she’s walking like a little t-rex, I can’t. I so CUBAN GIRL CANNOT!

    Liked by 3 people

  22. I just love your blog … spot on! I wear heels most days at work (law office). Some are more comfy than others, but I like them. I’ve never been a wedge girl and I’m not a fan of chunky heels. However, if I could be barefoot all day every day, I’m in.

    Liked by 3 people

  23. I just found your blog. Did not disappoint. I absolutely LOVE heels. Just, when they aren’t on my feet. I think I’ve worn them five times out of the 24 years I have been on this earth? One of those times, I didn’t even make it out of the house. Wedges are probably my favorite, though. I always tell my husband I wish I could be one of those women who can wear heels like I wear flip flops. Meh. Nevermind i’ll stick with my 98 cent flip flops I buy from Wal-Mart. You are an amazing person and i look forward to reading more of your posts! xoxo ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  24. I wear heels purely so I can look people in the eye (I’m 5’2…).
    Ok, that’s a lie – I grew up doing ballet and ballroom which severely fucked my hips. I have to wear heels or I end up in excruciating pain. Thankfully, I have no bunions or the like, and I never have to break in a pair of heels because my feet are 90% scar tissue and I can’t feel my toes half the time due to pinching.
    But no bunions, so I must be doing something right? right!
    However, totally jealous of the girls who can wear ballet flats and loafers comfortably and stylishly, whilst I am stuck strutting through my office in shoes spiky enough to perform a lobotomy should I ever trip.
    As always, <i<love your writing and humour xx

    Liked by 2 people

      1. No way!! How will you be able to give up your heels?! Do you do any other styles of dance?? So many questions!! So much punctuation!!!
        I was raised doing Modern, New Vogue and Latin, (back in Sydney) but had to quit when I was 19 when my hip troubles started kicking in good and proper which was more due to my classical ballet and contemporary dance shenanigans.

        Liked by 1 person

  25. How timely! I just had both my big toenails removed this week after a lifetime of wearing cute shoes that were killing my feet. I’ve been an “open-toed wedge” girl for several years now; I do miss the cute pointy toe diddies. But yes, if I had it to do all over again, I would have used that “stretch” option and I would have made better fashion vs comfort decisions. Good for you!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Funny, today is my final follow-up visit on the poor big toes. They’ve healed nicely, though now they resemble little bald headed men standing next to pretty pedicured ladies! Always finding the rainbow!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha! I love how you responded to all my comments at once! ahaha! Its like a blast from the past! Poor toesies, I’m glad they’ve healed!!

        Like

  26. I did a post on shoes the other day but from a slightly different angle. My wedges broke mid-day and I had to make an ’emergency’ shoe shopping trip to find replacement work shoes. Both pairs have heels but they’re both pretty chunky as I’ve got sick of having to get my stick thin heeled shoes re-heeled every six weeks because all 56kg of me is such a terribly huge weight it seems! While both pairs were somewhat more sensible than the court heel style I normally like, I did realise I still buy shoes mostly on how they make me look rather than how comfortable they are.
    I will admit though, if a pair of shoes make me bleed then they never go on my feet again.

    Liked by 2 people

  27. Yes!! Who are we making ourselves uncomfortable for? And let’s face it, heels on tiles is an unholy accident waiting to happen!
    As a 5ft7 female, it’s not the greatest feeling to wonder if you are in the new re-write of Gulliver’s travels with perfectly petite pals at your ankles!

    Liked by 2 people

  28. This was the first blog post I’ve ever read and OMFG I LOVE IT! I’m subscribing right away!! (also thanks for my first ever like on my blog post 🙂 )

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I hear you! I hardly ever wear heels but on those days that I’m obligated to…well, I’d find pulling my own toenails out would be more pleasurable than wearing high heels.

    Liked by 3 people

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