I have two versions of myself: the one that kicks ass and takes names, and the one that just. can’t. even.
It’s a hormonal thing. I can’t be expected to clean my house and cook dinner and defeat my enemies when I am downing wolfsbane and transitioning into a she-beast. I ride those energy waves just like most women, but I feel like we aren’t allowed to admit that we ride them. Because that makes us “less-better than men,” or “hormonal,” or “crazy,” or “lazy,” or my favorite: “witches.”
Maybe you are that elusive super woman who has consistent mood, energy, and awesomeness all month long, who kicks ass from sun up to sundown 365 days a year and runs and wins marathons on the first day of her period. In which case, Hi Gwyneth! Thank you so much for reading, girl! I loved you in “Duets”!
For the rest of us, learning to navigate those waves, whether they be from hormones, or depression, or balancing a job and a family is key to master the art of adulting.
I’m a bit of an extremist by nature. I get these grand ideas of preparing surf and turf on a Wednesday, duck a l’orange on a Thursday, tackling a vegan dish worthy of the cover of Bon Appétit on a Friday, and ringing in the weekend with Eggs Benedict and homemade apple crisp.
In reality, I have surf and turf on a Wednesday and then the fridge is empty for the rest of the week and I bounce a check cause that shit is expensive and by the time the weekend comes around, I can be found half naked, squatting in front of the fridge eating the last remnants of a block of cheese.
I’m better now. I’ve discovered “attainable goals” and “pajamas” and something called “meal prep.”
These tips may seem over-simplistic, but that’s the point. We all spend 45 minutes on Pinterest, get these crazy ideas in our head about “30 meals in 3 hours” and 30 hours later, we have 3 meals and are shitfaced and covered in peanut butter. So, here’s to attainable goals and to meal prep for when you just can’t even.
1. Boil some eggs
Delicious, healthy, easy, lasts forever. You can grab one when your blood sugar is plummeting. I like to have one before I go out to eat because it keeps me from eating baskets of bread and chips.
2. Paper towel your greens
Buy those clamshells of mixed greens or spinach, stick a paper towel along the top, and store it upside down. This will straight up give you six more days of use.
3. Get this device
Food spoilage is the bane of my existence. I got 99 problems and food spoilage is 98 of them. I want to be able to buy some lettuce or a tomato and eat it eight days later. Maybe it’s all the spells and hexes I cast in my kitchen, I feel like my food goes bad super fast. Then I discovered this thing. You chuck it in your crisper and it sucks all the produce gasses and curses out of your fridge. For real, holy shit balls, why don’t fridges just come with these things?
4. Make it a party
If you do get the urge to make freezer meals, make it a party. Get a friend, some music, a drink, some snacks, hire a clown to make balloon animals, whatever. It’s the difference between feeling like Giada on the set of your own cooking show, and a beaten house elf slaving away for a bunch of ungrateful Slytherins, wishing for a sock.
5. Sturdy side dishes
I like side dishes. They make me feel like a good adult woman who cares about things like “nutritional soundness”. But I don’t want to make them every fucking day. I gots shit to do! This is where your sturdy veggies come in. Cabbage, carrots, sprouts all make for long lasting slaws. and then there’s this Broccoli crunch salad; which is phenomenal
Broccoli Crunch Salad: You may have tried this delicious side at Whole Foods. Good news: you can make it at home and save…
6. Soup is king
Broth-based soups freeze like super stars. You can pick your favorite broth-based soup, make a double batch, and get like…18 meals out of that. Cheap, healthy, and who doesn’t love soup?
7. Hamburger and turkey patties
Meat patties can go straight from the freezer to the frying pan and they fry up beautifully, no need to thaw!
8. Cereal Saturday
This is for when you really can’t even. Call it something fun like “Cereal Saturdays” and you go from lazy jerk to super fun mom/girlfriend/Jerry Seinfeld.
9. Frozen veg mix
Damn girl, stop being so fancy.
10. For the love of God, buy a Crock Pot
Get. a. crockpot. Get one, borrow one, steal one, buy one, whatever. Just get one.
The joy of the Crock Pot is manifold. Crock Pot meals are easy like Sunday morning, or Monday morning when you can throw some random fridge chunks into the pot and come home to a meal. Its magical, like someone else cooked. it.
Not a morning person? Three hours on high and presto: home cooked goodness. Plus you can add the ingredients whenever. Only have the will to throw the meat in? Do it. Binge watch a few episodes of GoT and then throw the veggies in. Pace yourself, it’s like walking the worlds most pathetic marathon, and you’re the winner… cause everyone wins when there is dinner.
This one is amazing. Chemical free glaze, affordable. If you are looking to buy one, not just steal one from your grandma, this is the one to get.
Lovelies! Share with me your hacks, tips, and recipes for when you just can’t even! I really appreciate it! Be sure to follow and become a part of the growing and amazing Damn Girl army!