DG Fall Essentials

Girl with a scarf holding a cup of coffee.
~ DGGYST

Things have been getting a little heavy around here at Damn, Girl. From declaring war on happiness to shitting on Lifetime movies, it may be time to take a walk on the lighter side.

This week I couldn’t decide between writing about “Why Your Grandma is Kind Of a Slut” or “The Surprising Health Benefits of Puppy Blood,” so I opted for a third option. A classic: Damn, Girl Fall Essentials.

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This is my favorite time of the year. Not to be too poetic but I feel like when the whole world is changing, it makes it easier for me to make the changes I want to make. I feel the need to put to rest negative habits and beliefs, shed them like the trees do their leaves. Let everything fall away that isn’t me.

I love getting caught up in the magic of the season, but I also love that primal feeling. You know the one, the one that says: Prepare.

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For so many of us, Fall brings a primal energy, one that says: work, winter is coming. I feel my creative pathways open. I feel the need to nest. I feel the need to boil big cauldrons full of liquid over roaring hearths and send crows to pick up my dry cleaning. All the standard Fall feelings.

I wanted to put together a practical list of Fall essentials, because I think you have already all got the message to “pumpkin all the things.” But seriously, pumpkin all the things.

Switch to satin pillow cases

Cotton is very effective at its job: wicking away moisture. The dermal barrier is already compromised in the winter. Combine that with your lovely cotton pillow case sucking the life out of your hair and skin and hello discomfort.

You will be extra glad you switched when you get your first cold of the season and wake up with surprisingly un-chapped nose skin. I love these because they are cheap and slippery (that’s also why my husband loves me).

Change your furnace filter

You want to talk about adulting? Girl, change your furnace filter. Indoor air quality is balls and your furnace filter is disgusting. And you don’t change it enough. How do I know? Because no one changes it enough.

It’s like flossing: we know we should, but we don’t, because we suck.

Chances are, your indoor time is about to skyrocket, and you don’t want to be sub-level sick with allergies until Spring.

Fatten up your salads

My favorite thing about Fall has got to be the food. Roasted veggies, roasted everything. I usually ditch the cold summer salads and just soup for the rest of the year. But there is no need to abandon the raw greens.

But do fatten them up a bit. Avocado, cheese, dried fruit, croutons, warm meat or tofu, and creamier dressings will make them a lot more palatable in the colder weather and you will enjoy the benefits of actually pooping, all season long.

Poop GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

Get an epilator

Is an epilator right for you? First you have to meet the two qualifications.

  1. You have to hate shaving with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
  2. You have to be too broke to get a wax every month, but rich enough to spend 100 dollars on a torture device.

I have very sensitive skin. This sensitive:

Absurdnoise GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

Dealing with razor burn and painful skin in the summer is one thing. In the colder months, forgetttabout it. I used to just “wildebeest it” for the whole Fall season, but then I discovered the epilator. It was like when Anastasia met Christian Grey: awkward and abusive and opening me up to a new terrifying world of pain and um, hair removal.

Slasher Films GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

The epilator is a rotating head of 40-70 tweezers that you run up your leg or bikini or armpit and it auto-plucks you like a processed chicken. It hurts about 10 percent less than you would expect but 10 percent more than you can stand. It absolutely requires a two drink minimum.

What’s the appeal? Four weeks of hairless goodness, and it gets less and less painful the more you traumatize your follicles into not producing hair.

So, go! Enjoy the Fall season with your traumatized follicles and your happy, non-chapped, allergy-free nose. Poop freely in the rest stops between apple orchards. And if you see a murder of crows, please tell them I’m expecting my dry-cleaning.

What are your unusual Fall Essentials? Share below!

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Also: if it’s listed here anywhere on my blog, it is affiliated. Just assume I am getting paid per click, per word, every time you laugh at a DG joke, every time you close a window, every time a fairy gets its wings…Just assume money is coming out of my keyboard and filling my house and I am drowning in yachts and diamonds.

145 thoughts on “DG Fall Essentials”

  1. Oh my, you are so right! I had never considered the aspect of “Preparing” come fall, but you are completely right. That’s what fall is all about – hunkering down and preparing for winter, mentally and physically. That aside, I love how excited everyone is for this season and the beauty it creates.

    My fall essentials: Fluffy socks. Why? Well, although sleeping at cooler temperatures encourages better slumber, if you are too cold whilst you sleep you’re more prone to nightmares. So, fluffy socks. Especially pink ones that feature a fox.

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      1. See, you need fluffy socks.

        Also, if you’re into dream meanings and all that – your subconscious is saying you feel like you’re overwhelmed, in over your head, and being attacked from all sides by those whom intimidate you. Not that you can’t see a way out of the situation – wells being open at the top, where you’re also free from those nasty ankle biters. You just need to climb, climb, climb.
        OR, you watched The Ring and a doco about Florida.
        Either or.

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      2. haha! didn’t watch the ring, but I did get a whole fucking slew of horrible horrible trolldom on my blog yesterday! Maybe there is something to that!!

        Like

      4. oh yea, just the usual. I really need to do a troll post soon. They just make me sad because thats such a sad life….alone on the internet, terrorizing random strangers.

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    2. YESSSS TO FLUFFU SOCKS WITH FOX!!!! lol I’m also a fluffy “aloe” infused sock hoarder and my hubby DETESTS me for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ fuck him. If he were a fluffy sock I wouldn’t have this problem. Xoxo!!

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      1. 1. Thank you!! 2. I have been using it on my underarms for about 10 years and I love it! I waxed my legs forever so my hair got too thin and would break if I used the epilator so now I use Veet or will occasionally shave.

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  4. I’ve been looking for a hair removal alternative. A million tiny pluckings sounds horrifying, and yet I am so very intrigued by the possibility of not having to actually pluck but instead force a roller ball down my leg or back or any other place I want not to have hair. Thanks for that!

    My fall essential: spooky decor and burgundy clothing.

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    2. speaking of a million tiny pluckings I don’t use an epilator but I thread my brows, mustache and any stray facial hair… years after being told it gets easier I still well up… tears stream down my faceeeeee by the gallons… yeah… no to the epilator…

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  6. So if “Why Your Grandma is Kind Of a Slut” or “The Surprising Health Benefits of Puppy Blood” aren’t actually happening, then I will be very upset!

    Also, your last blurb: “Enjoy the Fall season with your traumatized follicles and your happy, non-chapped, allergy-free nose. Poop freely in the rest stops between apple orchards. And if you see a murder of crows, please tell them I’m expecting my dry-cleaning”… is everything this post needed in a summary coupled with the GIF of Elmo, so thank you!

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  7. I adore fall. It is my Holy Season. I love the cool crisp mornings as sweet as that first bite into an apple, when you can take a deep breath without feeling as though you are drowning (I live in the South). I love the crackle of dead leaves underfoot, the scent of woodsmoke in the air, and I eat pumpkin pie until I can’t stand it any longer (and won’t touch it until the following year).

    My house is poorly insulated and running the heat is expensive, so my fall/winter essentials are wool socks and fingerless mittens. I also rely heavily on those little bean bags you can nuke in the microwave and tuck behind you while you’re sitting on the couch or at the keyboard.

    I got a little mini epilator to try out once and oh, the pain! Any area larger than an upper lip and I might need more than 2 drinks…

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  8. I might need to look into this hair removal torture device… living in the central coast of California, we don’t really get much season change (which sucks because I do love fall – but is equally awesome because no snow)…. But, I wear skirts year round, with boots more than heels, but you get my drift!

    I agree with pumpkin all the things….. I love fall colors, and my front porch looks like a pumpkin patch! Like I said, we don’t get a whole lot of “seasons” around here, so my fall preparation for winter is to deflate and store the pool toys – which I will do this weekend! I do love the cooler nights & mornings. I love sitting by the fire & early bed times. My necessities are layers…. lots of layers (this morning it was 45 degrees when I got to work, it will be 80 on the beach at lunch…), boots, and pumpkin spice!

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  10. Cheap and slippery, haha. Your husband hit the jackpot. Down here in South Florida, we get a few weeks of cold if we’re lucky and it’s usually hot again by noon. We seem to lose more cold days every year. Still, that hasn’t stopped me from having wildebeest legs for most of the cooler months. I really hate shaving and if I can get away with it in the bloody sunshine state, I’m doing it. Your torture device does sound like fun, though!

    I’ve got twinkly lights outside my house and a swing, so when it starts getting cool I love to take a blanket and some hot chocolate outside at night or coffee and a book or magazine in the morning. Just swinging life away in that crispy air.

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    2. I am jealous of the warm winters, I mostly snowbird to Texas, but not until January, so there is plenty of frost in my life. I am going to hit you up for some coco when I am in Florida next, consider yourself warned 😉

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  11. lmaoooo this is hilarious!…where I live it’s wet or dry and hot or hotter so Ill never get these references… But.. Nair has yet to fail me…and the satin pillow cases are a definite yes for my very naptural hair…

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  12. Hahahaha!! I have been fattening up my salads all summer long, so no poop gets left behind. I do all the poops. Thank you for making me laugh like nobody was watchin’ as I walked down the street this morning! You make my belly, cheeks and heart ache in the best possible way. Have I told you lately how much I adore your beautiful brain and soul? Well, I bloody well do!! MUAH!!

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  14. I think that I’ve been looking for a product like the epilator for years, and I am so happy that I came upon this post and now know that something like this exists. I think I might buy one. Thank you so much for introducing me to it!!!

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  15. I took the epilator plunge almost three years ago, and I use all year round. I HATE waxing and shaving is so not worth it. I don’t drink, but I find that 200mg Ibuprofen pre a session is enough to dull the pain…

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  16. Being a guy, I am fairly clueless on this stuff. I do, however, like to switch to warm, soft flannel sheets for winter. And as long as she is warm, soft, and welcoming (like my sheets) I honestly don’t care if she’s hairy or not. I can love her just the same. Cheap and slippery? Your husband is a lucky man!

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  18. My epilator is gathering dust. I should probably break it out. I don’t mind splurging on a waxing for the eyebrows and bikini zone, but my legs, arms and underarms…who could afford all that? As always, I love your insight, and I’ll have to try that satin pillowcase thing.

    Also, I already know why my grandma was kind of a slut. At least, my great-grandma. She ran a “boarding” house in San Fran! Haha!

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      1. She was lol. One night, she left home, dropped my grandma off at a convent, sent her brother on a train to Florida to a boarding school and disappeared, and apparently, it had something to do with the mob. She would send my grandma expensive clothes, and an allowance and then eventually she went to live with her in her “hotel”. When she got busted, she disappeared down to Cuba in the 40’s. Margarite was some kind of a wicked woman. She needs a book written about her xD

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  19. Ahhh, the jealousy is kicking in. Fall and winter months in Louisiana just mean we finally get below 70 degrees. We are at 92 today and dying with the humidity. Not that it stops any of us. We are all preparing for festival weekend.
    As for soups, we cook gumbo year round so that is nothing new to us. We just lower our A/C’s and start cooking. Cajun lifestyle at its finest.

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  20. Hello, DGGYST
    I am so incredibly new to the blogging world (currently in the process of building my own blog) and found your site. You are literally life! I love everything from you extreme honesty to consistent (yet, not overpowering) use of profanity.

    But my all time FAVORITE thing about fall *insert sarcasm here* is the constant headaches from the dramatic change in the weather. UGH!!!

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      1. I suppose a lifestyle blog? I am planning a wedding so I’m sure I can get some good content out of that lol. But I guess like DIY stuff (fails mostly), wedding crap, pictures of puppies because who doesn’t want to see puppies, flowers, home decor, etc. typical girly shit.

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  22. Drinks. Lots of them. They warm the insides and lubricate the happy bits and make everything much more cheery. Cider? Add Fireball or Bourbon. Bourbon cream or other tasty sippers in homemade fudge, truffles, and bourbon balls. Cocoa, coffee, latte, mocha? Baileys. Baileys also goes in pancake batter, French toast, and a slew of other things. Morning, noon, and night are better with booze.

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  23. Your blog posts always put a smile on my face & I never really knew what a epilator was but it sounds quite good. Personally, I have always stuck with waxing as it usually lasts longer (3 weeks is longer then shaving). 🙂

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  24. Fall is a beautiful season. Fresh fruit, veg, and spices to keep me going through winter. For all the pooping, I head to Costco and stock up on TP.
    Nothing better than cool morning yoga with my Grande pumpkin spice latte.
    Can’t wait for fresh pumpkin seeds and jack-o-laterns.
    As for shaving, that thing sounds fun. I can drink and not cut myself.

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  25. ahaha I loved this post!! and I’ve been using the freaking epilator this year (just got wax 2/3 times) because 1) I’m too lazy to shave everyday 2) wax is too dams expensive
    So after attempting (and failing) at doing a DIY Indian wax I gave up and went for the damn epilator! And I have to say it… it is a true torture machine! I hate it so much even just the terrible noise it makes! but that’s all I’ve got for now so I’ll stick with that if I don’t find a good DIY wax or even a cheaper one. xx -M

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  26. This post just made my day! I can’t help but mention that the Elmo gif had me grinning like a fool hahaa. I absolutely adore everything about fall, and I am so looking forward to boots and sweaters! I also love the cooler weather cause it puts less pressure on the need to shave as frequently, but I have to tell you that you’ve definitely piqued my interest with the epilator 🤔

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  30. An epilator huh??, I have thought about it, I bought one once, read the instructions and thought fuck that shit and took it back to the store. If I get one and try it and I die a thousand deaths from the pain ima gonna hunt you down… Just kidding… maybe!!! Oh and I want to hear about the slutty grandma please!!

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  31. “It was like when Anastasia met Christian Grey: awkward and abusive and opening me up to a new terrifying world of pain and um, hair removal.”

    I mean, like, fuck Fifty Shades of Grey, but that sounds like fun! And by “fun” I mean “nightmarish but I live in Southern California so I’ll probably still be wearing at least capris well into December but I still hate shaving and maybe I can turn this into some kind of kinky sadomasochistic sex thing.”

    Also, I am allllll about that soup life in the winter. BROTH ON ALL THE THINGS.

    My fall essential is hot cocoa, hands down. I’m chomping at the bit to break out my Nightmare Before Christmas ceramic travel mug each morning so I can be one of those cool kids on the bus sipping my coffee-that-is-not-actually-coffee-because-I-don’t-drink-coffee-but-no-one-has-to-know-that-I’m-an-adult-just-like-the-rest-of-you-please-accept-me. Honestly, the day I discovered Starbucks also sells cocoa, I felt like I could finally pretend to be a normal member of society.

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  33. Pumpkin Curry Soup, Chai Tea, Spiced Apple Cider, Pumpkin Bread, fluffy pajama pants, overlarge sweaters, crochet, Harry Potter

    I think the biggest thing is I switch over to L’Occitane Huile D’Amande shower oil because my skin gets so dry and chapped when the weather is cold and dry. The Midwest is dry when it’s cold and humid when it’s hot. California was the opposite… I miss California. Anyhoo, using shower oil is a great way to keep skin soft and hydrated, and you end up smelling like an almond cookie. I also use plain Sweet Almond oil on my feet and hands during the winter, which furthers the whole almond cookie smell. I order mine off Amazon, and you can also purchase refill bags which refills the regular sized bottle ($22) twice. It’s a bit dear, but very much worth it.

    I also highly recommend fluffy animals – I have two ragdoll cats who make lovely snuggle buddies.

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  34. Oh crap i’ve been meaning to get an epilator but it looks so much more intimidating than a razor. Nevermind that i got cut yesterday using that same darn razor…and like, every single time I’ve ever used a razor which is technically all i ever use. Gah ill just get the bloody epilator. God bless these puny brown arms 😧

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  38. Heya girl! Xx I’ve basically been binge reading your blog posts and honestly I stg they’re amazing!! I actually love ur attitude (; so just wanted to let you know that you’re actually a great blogger! Out of interest, right now I’m listening to Stay by Alessia Cara and Zedd (night core v) random question but do u like them? Lol 😂

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  41. My fall essentials are definitely wool socks and wool (indoor) vest. I love the scratchy feeling.
    As for epilator, it’s been my essential throughout the year for over 20 years now. I consider it to date the most useful invention of all times. Amen.

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  42. I must get something dry-cleaned so that I can send crows to collect it! I’m not a summer person, so my favourite thing about this time of year is that a switch goes on inside me and I feel like a completely different person. Like a weight and cloud’s been lifted 😉 I love murky misty mornings. Candles. Candles candles candles. And that Christmas Pyjamas are just round the corner!

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  46. “I love these because they are cheap and slippery (that’s also why my husband loves me).”

    SCREAMING

    You’re hilarious and helpful, as always, T. 🙂 ❤ x The satin pillowcases is a fab idea.

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  47. I LOVE my Satin pillowcase!
    I would say investing in a leather jacket, was my best idea this year for fall:) People think I’m more dressed up than I am and I don’t have to layer half as much as I do with other cheap jackets. But, I still tear up thinking of the plane ticket I could have bought with the price of that jacket *sniff*

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