You. Sick. Bitch.

Woman lying face down on bed

Write what you know.
-Mark Twain

This week I have been sick, sick, sick, sick. I mean real sick, like binge-watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians sick.

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I so rarely get sick that I didn’t realize how fucking bad I was at it. But in true DGGYST form, over the course of one week I’ve managed to grab sick by the balls… and sneeze all over them.

I want to give you some great tips on how to survive the cold and flu season that you haven’t already heard:

1. Don’t be low maintenance.

For the love of God, start out with the lotion-filled super soft tissues.

If you are like me, that first day you get the sniffles, you turn into a fucking grandpa. “Tissues?! Back in my day we used to blow our noses with plywood!” Your nose skin isn’t irritated and damned will be the day when good old fashioned toilet paper isn’t good enough for you.

By day two with the mounting irritation, you soften and get a box of tissues…the cheap ones. Damned will be the day when you spend good American money on fancy tissues.

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By day three you have not only bought the lotion filled tissues but have formed elaborate tissue paper idols and have started worshipping them as your new god. But it’s too late; the first few days of irritation cannot be undone. Start with the fancy tissues and save your nose and your immortal soul.

2. Stop blowing

I learned that we all blow our noses wayyyyy too hard. Like, you are totally NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!

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When you go to blow your nose, blow it softly several times until the snot clears. You don’t have anything else to do, you sick loser. You don’t need to be some super efficient snot eliminating machine. By blowing your nose super hard, you risk infections and nosebleeds.

3. Stop sucking

That being said, you should be blowing a lot more often than you likely are. You are not supposed to sniffle and suck that snot back in. Your body is doing everything it can to purge your body of your newfound virus, so by all means, help it on its merry way.

Sniffling instead of blowing also contributes to headaches and can cause ear infections.

4. Find the other sickos

I am an extrovert, even if I don’t feel like it. Spending three days all by myself had me feeling low for more reasons than just being sick. So when I found out that my sister and her boyfriend were also sick, I packed up my fancy tissues and spent the day coughing on the faces of those who love me.

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The good thing about cold and flu season is that at any given time between now and Spring, you are almost guaranteed to find someone who is sick at the same time as you. Go, snuggle, bond. Friends who lay together, stay together.

5. Sleep around

Sleep: surely the most uncomfortable thing to do when you are sick, yet arguably the most important. I don’t know how I would have survived without my satin pillowcases. You all know how much I love mine, as I manage to fit them into almost every single post. “How to meet your goals!…..and use satin pillowcases.” “All about my childhood… and how I didn’t have these satin pillowcases!”

Seriously, I have never been more grateful to my pillowcases than I was this week. Slipping my crusty face against these smooth babies made life worth living.

6. Humidifier

I realized this week that having a humidifier on when you are sick reduces your weird ass “I have a cold” pain by eighty percent. It reduces the headaches from those violent dry coughs, it unchaps your face, and it makes your nose easier to gently blow.

Additional Tips:

Don’t drink lemon water within an hour of going to bed. It can cause you to salivate and we all know how hard it is to swallow things when you are lying down. (Ok, why is this post so perverted?)

Buy a new toothbrush once you feel better. Let’s face it: it was probably time to replace that baby anyway. #adulting

Actually relax. It’s a little nutty how little relaxing you can manage when you think you are relaxing. Emails can be checked, bills can be balanced, calls can be made. I get that the world doesn’t stop turning just because you have a cold, but please try to get some actual relaxing in.

Ok DG fans, let me know how you battle your colds below and please forgive my complete absence from WordPress this week! I am so looking forward to getting caught up on what is going on in all of your lives!

108 thoughts on “You. Sick. Bitch.

  1. *Puts on glasses, settles into computer chair, cracks knuckles* I am now a true expert on surviving illnesses as demonstrated by my current ability to breathe out of BOTH of my nostrils and the fact that I haven’t puked in FOUR days now.

    I handled my cold by hiking up my water/energy bills. I basically rode that storm out by living in my hot, steamy shower. Don’t judge me, my state is no longer in a drought, that’s a perfectly accetable technique.

    My stomach flu, well, I “survived” that by puking into a pot while sitting on the pot. I think that should count as a technique of sorts. Oh, and pedialyte. That shit rocks.

    Feel better soon!!


  2. Ohh gosh I hate this time of year because it’s so easy to get sick! It starts with that one coworker coming in with the sniffles and then you’re screwed. I admit, I don’t do what I should most of the time, and I am guilty of the things you said not to do in this post. But that may also be why I stay miserable so long 😂 good tips! I need to invest in some satin pillowcases…


  3. Great advice, especially the tissues. Whooping cough, yes whooping cough, came through our house last year. I cannot put into words how many tissues, soo many, too many, all the many… bottom line: wish I woulda started with the fancy lotion ones first😬 All I can add is totally gross but it works for me, by works I mean cuts down on. Mince raw garlic, let it sit for 10 minutes, put it atop some raw honey on a spoon and slam it like a tequila shot on good/bad night. Chase with your preference. It’s awful but it works. 🌸


  4. WOW you are fantastic!! Have you ever read books by Sarah Knight? She has these incredible books about Get Your Shit Together and several others along those same lines. She is so direct and easy to read because like your posts, we all think it but don’t say it!! I love reading your posts because you are so incredibly real and to the point in an amazing way!!!!!


  5. I don’t get sick often but the best way to deal with a cold or flu is hot tea, hot soup and plenty of sleep. Use whatever meds you need to make you sleep through it. And for gods sake, stop that sniffling!


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