So Damn Beautiful

Makeup brushes

Dude, is it just me or do beauty tips suuuuuuuckkk anymore? You know the ones:

“AMAZING BEAUTY HACKS THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!”

“Use a nude pencil on your waterline!” Oh my god, we know! “Highlight your cupid’s bow with a highlighter!” No, that’s dumb. I’m going to eat that, like instantly. What else you got? “Mash a banana in your hair?” For fuck’s sake.

Let’s back it up. I am enjoying the best streak of basic-ness lately.

Usually I’m all brooding, hammering away on my typewriter while cursing about human rights or chain smoking one of those bubble pipes and pacing the floors, plotting how to take over the world.

Sherlock Holmes Cat GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

But this month, the constant brewing storm of passion and intention has parted. Where I could once be found murmuring to myself in a dark corner, inexplicably pounding on a calculator and  drumming my fingers together like Mr. Burns, now I’m cuddled up with a pashmina, drinking Starbucks, watching YouTube morning routines (that shit is soothing) and chatting at my sister about this like, totally amazing top coat that is like, the best thing ever.

So, seeing that the beauty section of my blog is desperately lacking, I am delighted to do a post on like, my best beauty discoveries of 2017, like ever. Seriously, like, ever.

1. Holy crap hair volume

WHY? WHY DIDN’T I KNOW THIS BEFORE?! Cosmo has me backcombing my hair like fucking Rizzo from Grease and everyone on YouTube is trying to teach me how to create volume with a hair straightener. I would have better luck creating volume with my damn dishwasher, because its a hair straightener and I don’t care what you say, it doesn’t work!

I know there are tons of you who can add volume and curls and waves with your straightener while simultaneously using it to cook a souffle and clean the hard to reach places in your shower but damn girl, I don’t have a PhD in how to use one of these things so just stop it!

Whew.

So on to the tip: there is this expensive-ass hair volumizer called the VOLOOM. It sucks. It doesn’t get close enough to the scalp, it’s too big and bulky, and the crimps it puts in your hair are unrefined and almost like it was done by a waffle iron.

This thing however, the Little Tease by Bed Head, is everything I wish the VOLOOM was, for five times less money.

Essentially you do a deep part, then crimp the roots of your hair, then part normally and let the top layer of hair rest over the crimped part for invisible and intense volume… like a tease but product free and no snarls.

I cannot rave about this enough. This extends the shit out of your wash by diverting the grease path at the source! It holds like a mother, you don’t need to use hairspray or anything, and it will stay until you wash it out. It is cool enough to the touch to rest right on your scalp (use it on medium) and it’s super fast. My hair looks about five times thicker. You are welcome.

2. Corset training… ish

We’ve all seen the hotties and crazies on Instagram running around with their waist trainers. Just strap yourself into a corset for six to eight hours a day for a few months and you too can have a 10 inch waist. That’s one big fat firm pass for me.

Sexy Who Framed Roger Rabbit GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Damn you, Jessica Rabbit, making me question my sexuality.

I did however discover that you can totally get a temporary shapely slim down by wearing a corset for about two hours. It mushes your organs into a different shape and brings your floating ribs together and yes, typing this out now, I understand how fucking horrifying this is, but ‘teves! That shit works!

I like to strap one on a couple days before I have to be shirtless in public for any reason…. What? Why is everyone looking at me like that?

3. Japanese, if you please

Holy foam balls, Batman! The Japanese foaming net! If you don’t know what this unassuming gift from the gods is, get ready for a treat!

It’s a little net that you put your bar soap or shaving cream or face wash into and it lathers it up! This makes your products last so much longer and it leaves zero residue on the skin for this impossibly clean yet balanced feeling. It’s like six bucks and saves you at least that much money on products. I even have a seperate one for my shampoo.

Kijiji GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Whatcha got for me?

You people owe me so much right now, with your clean skin and your giant hair and your crushed organs. What are your new beauty discoveries? Your sneaky little tricks? Your feelings towards Jessica Rabbit, or any sexy cartoon? Let me know in the comments below!


Check out my other beauty tips and tricks: DG Holy Grails, and 6 Things You Didn’t Know About Applying False Eyelashes.

68 thoughts on “So Damn Beautiful

  1. I need to get me a waist trainer…. for reals. Maybe it will help me not sit all slouched over in my work chair too. Who doesn’t love Jessica Rabbit?!? #Goals

    Best beauty product I have recently found… Monat haircare system. For reals. I lost a lot of hair when I lost my weight… this stuff can be pricey, but so worth it. And really, you need to use so little that it isn’t that bad. I signed up as a Market Partner (it is a MLM), but you don’t need to maintain any selling quotas, etc if you want to enjoy the discount – if you want to make money, of course that is different… but I just did it for the discount, and I really love this stuff and tell everyone about it! My hair is so much thicker and healthier – I can go 4 days without washing, it holds amazing curl (without having to use product to hold it)… It is soooo good!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It did! I still have some baby hairs growing out, but it is getting better! I use what they call the Fab4:
        1. Rejuvenique oil – put a few drops on scalp the night before.
        2. Black 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner- I use this for my first wash.
        3. Renew Shampoo – round 2
        4. Revitalize Conditioner or Replenish Masque – I switch back and forth on these.

        I also recommend the Intense Repair Treatment spray.

        You can learn more on my site: http://linsmarie.mymonat.com

        Or on Facebook, there is a group called Good Hair Days with Patty… she is a dear friend and building her Monat business… there is a lot of info shared there, and you can ask any questions.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Gotta love side hustles…. If someone were actually interested in growing a business, I would send them up to work under my upline, because I am just here for the great product, amazing hair and discount! lol

        My website is: http://linsmarie.mymonat.com

        Literally, if you sign up as a “Market Partner”, you get $650+ of amazing product for $300…. I am a sucker for a good deal! I bought my kit in November, and my bottles are still almost half full! It is good stuff!

        Like

  2. I like corsets, but I don’t understand the appeal of waist training. I’ve heard mixed opinions from medical professionals on whether it’s safe or not. But, I suppose it’s a body modification like anything else, so what people do is their own business.

    I love the description on the Japanese Foaming Net. “Daiso Japan sticky head cotton buds are the Q-tips that the head sticks to clean inside of year. It is gentle and easy to use.”

    My favorite “make my makeup life easier” thing is the Vamp Stamp cat eye stamp. There are other cat eye stamps, but this one actually works. It comes in three sizes (yes, I do have all three, but the kitten is my favorite because it’s subtle) and it has shaved so much time off my makeup routine, it’s ridiculous. It’s effectiveness depends on the eyeliner you use (liquids work better than gel, but if they’re fast drying it might be a problem), but they sell an eyeliner made specifically for the stamp that works the best.

    I can’t recommend it highly enough.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I’d definitely try the cat eye stamp, as I can’t figure out how to do it. I am, basically, unskilled in makeup. My poor girls had to learn makeup and hair via You-Tube!

      As for corsets, I really like them and would wear them every day if I could afford a really nice one.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes! I have hooded eyes too, which is why I’ve always struggled so much with doing wings (that and the shaky hands). It takes some practice to figure out which angle works best, but it’s sooooo worth it!

        Like

      2. Oh, and I would definitely recommend the kitten (smallest) size to start if you have hooded eyes. In my experience, the larger sizes tend to fold and crease obviously with my eye. Because the kitten is smaller and doesn’t go out as far, any creasing isn’t as obvious.

        Like

  3. Ahh.. Sweetheart my waist disappeared when menopause arrived and I miss it .. My hairdryer died last week and I ended up sitting in my car in the driveway with the fans on drying my hair.. looked ok .. Hair styled by Alfa Romeo,,

    Great blog again..

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I’ve given up on beauty tips and mostly look to the online beauty world for color combo recommendations and product reviews from the 2-3 people I actually trust. But I swear if I see one more person using cocoa powder as actual eye shadow I am going to hurl.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m such a hot mess, nothing can save me. However, I laughed my arse off and isn’t that therapeutic or something? (I’ve heard it is).

    Loved this particular line…well, particularly. “You people owe me so much right now, with your clean skin and your giant hair and your crushed organs.”

    Liked by 4 people

  6. I barely know a thing about beauty, haha. I’ll be lucky if I manage to learn how to use a hair straightener this year. I’ve been meaning to for quite some time now but I’m lazy!!

    Idk about corsets. It would feel pretty fancy to wear one though probably not too comfortable if my body is not used to it. Does waist training actually help someone lose weight or does it just squeeze everything tightly? I’m confused.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jesus. The only beauty tip I have is to like, shower and comb your hair. I don’t even know what most of this shit means! Waterline, Cupid’s Bow? Are you fucking with me right now, girl? I am totally going to re-read this on one device while I google all of these things on another!! Clearly, I need to up my beauty game and find out how I can make my Cupid thingy sparkle alongside my waterline!! Right? Thanks for making me laugh, as always, and bringing to light that I need a fucking education in body parts and beauty!

    Liked by 4 people

  8. “Crushed organs” had me laughing hard.😂😂😂
    I have almost zero knowledge about beauty tips.
    Regardless, I can say I know a bunch of people flap their lips around me and words like exfoliate, baking soda, granulated sugar and honey fly out.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Being naked and kind would probably be beautiful enough for me for any occasion. If you feel the need to do more, by all means do so. 🙂

    Like

  10. If I hadn’t read this post, I wouldn’t have figured out WTF the foamy thing was.
    “About the product
    Ear cleaning shower sticky head sticker
    20 peices cotton new unopned easy simple clean
    Oily dry stuff skin soft round strong wrap
    Buds q-tips daiso anytime carry convenient gentle
    Open package japan high quality stack”
    “Product description
    Daiso Japan sticky head cotton buds are the Q-tips that the head sticks to clean inside of year. It is gentle and easy to use.”
    Girl, whaaaaaaaaaat???
    But since you explained it, I kept scrolling to the questions and ratings and put it in my cart!

    Like

  11. It can be pretty infuriating how companies will just lie to our faces about how great their products are. I know you aren’t full of shit and won’t steer your girls wrong. And I’m gonna keep that corset trick in my back pocket for a bloated day! As for big hair, I’m a big fan.

    Like

  12. I only have one secret to beauty which no one is doing enough – SLEEP. No one damn well sleeps enough these days, and a lack of sleep causes grumpiness causes frown lines. So my ultimate beauty secret? Sleep.
    xx

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Ok… I got one… All the flipping money we spend on anti-aging products??? Yes, some do work, for a million dollars! But I’m cheap and still not a fan of wrinkles. Just use Vitamin C serum on your face, neck, and chest when you get up and when you go to bed. It doesn’t MATTER what other types of moisturizing, anti-age, miracle cream you use… just get Eve Hansen Vitamin C Serum. (Amazon) Start and end your day with that and use your regulars day and night cream. 3 days to one week… it’ll look like you got a facelift. You’re welcome. Truth! I swear. ~Kim

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Water water water, on an endless loop. Meaning, every time you tinkle (what urine is now forever known as because I have children), be sure to drink a big glassful of water after washing up (I’m a terrible hand washer but I don’t mean to be objectionable). I think that maximized water consumption is akin to internal lotion, or should I say serum to sound more beautiful?

    And, go ahead and let your husband provide the orgasms he so generously wants to anyways. Apparently, a complexion miracle.

    I like Thursdays more now, per you being delightful. Btw

    Like

  15. First off, Jessica rabbit = sexual awakening always. Also, I cannot do anything with a hair straightener besides make my hair look like a sheet of paper. I just used cornstarch as a dry shampoo today and it actually worked! I was shocked.

    Like

  16. No beauty tips over here because I can barely remember to moisturise every three days – I definitely can’t be faffing around with crimpers! HOWEVER…. for… other reasons… I have experience with corsets and I agree, they are magical.

    Uncomfortable, but magical. Uncomfortable in the sexiest way!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I have a major money making idea for you!!! No seriously hear me out. In your next post, please include links to STOCK in which post of yours will cause me do to the most damage to myself…. laundry cleaning product stock has gone up because of all the times I’ve dropped, dumped, or otherwise spilled my coffee while reading your blog. (I have also ruined a keyboard for the same reason) This morning I tripped on the treadmill because I was laughing so hard. You really are a rock star!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Even when I have no fucking idea what you are talking about (cause I am like 102), you crack me up! I am with Tanya; what exactly are a waterline and a cupids bow? I am definitely going to have to look into the Japanese net thing! You continue to endlessly shine, entertain and enlighten!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Omg I love the description on the foaming page on Amazon: “Ear Cleaning Shower sticky head sticker, 20 peices cotton New unopned Easy simple clean; soft round strong oily dry stuff skin wrap buds Q-Tips Daiso anytime carry Convenient gentle; Open Package Japan High Quality stack”

    Liked by 2 people

  20. I am 1 of 5 girls.. and I am the only one that has ZERO interest in doing hair and/or makeup for a living. Even my mother did hair for 54 years. Want to know who is also behind on the latest beauty hack trends… ME. It’s actually my little sister that taught me how to curl my hair and blend my eyeshadow. None the less, I loved reading this post although there is a 99.9% chance I will never use any of these hacks.

    Like

  21. Sigh. Volume?! What is this wizardly-fuckery I’ve never heard of before?! Also. Ok this is gonna be bad especially since I’m pretty big on keeping my makeup and skin on point- what the hell would a naked eyeliner do?! Because I can’t live without my signature black eyeliner on my water line I don’t give a shit how many whales need to die for my eyeliner needs or if it will for sure give me pupil-cancer or whatever LOL oh geez.
    But seriously. Do tell because I’m
    Behind, clearly! Ugh. I hate mySelf. I need a coffee cup that says that shit too. I can tell you my fave life changing products right now are mineral waters, witch hazel (I use this as a toner day and night and it’s changed my LIFE) and vitamin E oil over night. Also, you KNOW that silk pillow case is ya face’s side bitch right?! Hahahahah xox!

    Like

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