Putting the “Ho” in “Home Decor”

I think we all have those things we really want in our lives and appreciate while simultaneously having no interest in learning how to make them happen. Maybe it’s how to do a classic updo, how to rock an Instagram eyeshadow look, change a tire, or cook a souffle. For me, that thing is interior design.

I really appreciate a well-appointed room. I find them comforting and luxurious and soothing and amazing. I think having a polished and beautiful home is totally worth having. But when I start to read articles about “layers” and “textures” and “complementary colors,” it makes me want to tear my own arm off and then use it as a conversational piece on my coffee table. “Oh yes, I made it myself,” I will tell my impressed house guests.

But here is the thing about “adulting:” you should learn how to bring the things you want into your life, regardless of whether you have a natural talent for it.

Home cooked meals are worth eating, being able to pull yourself together for a classy event or meeting is important, being able to change your tire is important and having your home serve and suit you is important.

So here are the DG tips for those of you who have no attention span for interior design:

1. Learn to make your bed.

A. At the minimum, you should have three textures showing on your bed. You’ve got your sheet and the two sides of your bedspread. These should all show. But the sky’s the limit when it comes to mixing textures on your bed! You can use all the same color or a color scheme of three, but suede, faux fur, cotton, linen and even leather, you kinky bitch. All these textures mixed together will make your bed look like a tactile delight! The contents of your bed should say, “Touch me.”

B. You should be folding over and pulling down your bedspread about 2 feet more than you are now. Really peel that baby back to expose the soft underbelly of your bedspread…I’m not sure if that sentence made me hungry or horny, so let’s move on…

C. Your pillow shams aren’t for sleeping on. They are to add height and texture to the head of your bed, and should rest on yer sleepin’ pilla’s!

D. Satin pillowcases. Why do you make me beat this dead horse? Cotton pillowcases will kill your father and rape your mother. I was in a hotel last week sleeping on these mother-rapers and I woke up frizzy-haired and dry-skinned and had all these bizarre creases in my face. It’s bad bad bad. Get these.

2. Something green in your bathroom

You should have some kind of plant life in your bathroom, and no, the mold growing on your shower curtain does not count. So many bathrooms end up a “dead space.”  If light is an issue, as it is so often in these spaces, go for a mother-in-law’s tongue, a peace lily, or some magnetic succulents if both light and space are at a premium.

3. Lighting

Oh, girl, this is the one that really kills me. So boring. So, so necessary. I’m not going to talk about sconces and directional light and shit. You just have to know what kind of bulbs to put in which room, and you will be fucking shocked at the difference it makes.

Kitchen: 3500-4100 Kelvin (K). This will make your whites look whiter. It will make your surfaces look cleaner. It will be that refreshing energizing jolt you need to prepare a meal after a long-ass, bullshit day. You’re welcome.

Living room: 2700-3000K. I do like to use a mixture of floor lamps, table lamps, twinkle lights, and candlelight in the living room. I also use this light strip for behind the television. It makes Anderson Cooper easier on the eyes if that’s even possible.

Bedroom: 2700K or sixty thousand candles stacked around an altar with a mattress on it, surrounded by men in robes chanting in Latin.

4. Flowers everywhere, flowers in her hai-a-a-a-air!

A. I like to add a couple of fake flowers to my fresh flower displays. It takes those real (but sadly sparse) $3 bouquets from the grocery store and turns them into a glorious display. I keep the fake flowers towards the middle and the real toward the outside so if some curious person reaches out to touch it, they’ll think it’s real. This is also why I wear a water bra.

B. Fake flowers should be displayed in opaque vases. That there word means “Not see thru.” It’s because the “give away” for fake flowers is mostly the stems.

C. All fake flower arrangements should be at least thirty percent greenery. I know the green bits aren’t as satisfying to buy as the flowers, but they really make a display look real.

5. Doors

I have been really challenging myself with the feng shui stuff. I have almost made it through an entire chapter of a very small book. What I have learned is that all the doors in your home should swing freely. Having your doors open into tables, stoppers, or junk is really bad for your juju. Then there is something about all doors should open to a celebrated focal point… or something. I don’t know, I fell asleep. Leave me alone.

General advice.

The key to actually learning the things that aren’t of interest  to you is to find an information source that makes these topics more palatable! I certainly hope to be that resource for you.

What do you want to want to learn about? Maybe DG can put some sugar on that medicine! Let me know down below in the comments! Also, if you blog about fashion, cooking, car repair, makeup, interior design, or any skill-based thing, let us know!