The Importance of Romancing Yourself

A hand with a fresh strawberry on its palm

I’ve never been wild about the idea of romance. When I was young, I always had a crush on the Disney villain, felt nothing for Prince William, and thought that Romeo and Juliet were so unstable that had they not killed themselves over a relationship that lasted a whopping four  days, they had little chance of overcoming inevitable “baby mama drama,” “just can’t even’s, and “who is she, huh huh”s.

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I have been with my husband since I was 19. I am in love with him. He comes home from work, we have a drink, cook a meal, make love, go for a stroll. It’s smooth sailing. On Valentines Day there are gifts, trips to New Orleans, bubble baths. “I love you’s are exchanged dozens of times a day along with a slew of adorable pet names that would turn the strongest of stomachs. My favorite is “dragon baby” or maybe “little cat wolf.” Sickening.

While I do appreciate and expect a certain level of romancing and spontaneity out of my husband, I think that it is not only necessary but preferable that the main provider of romance and intrigue in my life be me.

As a society, we have started to come around to this idea. We call it “self-care.” And while I am a wild about it, there is this maternal, almost wound-licking tone to it that makes me questions its lasting effectiveness.

Self-romancing is a lifestyle. It’s not something you pull out when you’ve gone overboard with your commitments, become too entrenched with family drama, or realized your children may just eat you alive if you let them.

What is self-romancing?

There is no kind of motivator like fresh romance. Tell a person to quit smoking and watch them strike up a Lucky on the walk away from you. Tell a person that their crush would never date a smoker, and lo and behold they are suddenly the Surgeon fucking General.

Imagine feeling about yourself the way you feel about your crush.

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What could you accomplish if you wanted to please, delight, and excite yourself with the same enthusiasm as if for a new lover?

Call it my Taurean nature (‘teves, astrology is not real) (but it secretly is!): I make sensuality the driving force behind all that I do. I don’t “go to work,” I work hard to provide for the kind of life this sexy ass deserves. I dirty talk my future self constantly. Whether it’s not wanting to go to work, or not wanting to finish a workout, a little dirty talk goes a long way. “Ooooh baby, I’m going to proviiiide for you, you gonna be so taken care of.” “Oooooh honey, I’m lifting these weights to exhaustion for you. I’ll let you touch them later if you’re lucky, you dirty bitch”

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I am constantly thinking about new ways to pleasure and surprise myself. This summer I am taking a French language course at the community college and learning how to make the perfect Steak au poivre. I might get a motorcycle and learn to play the drums because I want to impress myself.

Why is self-romancing important?

Do you identify with any of these feelings?

  • You don’t like yourself.
  • You feel dead inside.
  • You feel bored and restless.

If you were your own spouse, would you have a good relationship? Do you do special things for yourself? When you “take care” of yourself, is it in the way that you would care for a child or a someone who is sick?

Stop and think about the kind of energy you are offering yourself when it comes to self-care. There is nothing wrong with a little bit of babying but harnessing the power of romance to take care of yourself is an endless energy cycle that is worth tapping into.

How to start self-romancing.

The best way to start taking an interest in yourself again is to learn something new. If it’s new to you, you become new to you again. Follow that up with a reward that brings you pure pleasure, and repeat. When you do something for yourself, embrace desire and never tell yourself that you ‘deserve it because you had a hard day.” We are going to be with ourselves for our whole lives, keep it spicy.

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How do you put the moves on you? What have you done for you lately? Let me know in the comments below!

76 thoughts on “The Importance of Romancing Yourself

  1. You know, I’ve had that same lurking feeling about the recent popularity of self-care. I often hear it in conjunction with “I’m minutes away from becoming a raving lunatic, so I’d better take a bubble bath.” I’m suuuuch an advocate for making sweet love to myself, real dirty like. I dance naked in my living room, eat dinner by candlelight, spent a ton of time oiling up my body, sitting in the woods when I feel like it. Also, as a mother, I let my kids know that I ain’t no chump. I’m going to take of myself and everyone will be happier.

    Liked by 5 people

      1. I think the more we pay attention to the sensual aspects of our bodies, the easier it is to love and appreciate it. There are physical things I’m working on, but it’s secondary when I’m feeling soft or dancing, etc. Put on something silky and buy an ankle bracelet. You’ll feel automatically more sexy. You’ll get there, Chiari! 💜

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I:
    1. buy myself flowers regularly.
    2. have breakfast/coffee in bed
    3. dance alone
    4. walk naked around the house
    5. look at myself naked in the mirror and say – you sexy beast.

    That should do for now, given I’m utterly unromantic.

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Jesus. Someone has been telling me over and over again, lately, that I need to put myself first and pamper the fuck out of myself. Here is yet another reminder. Christ. I get it universe!!! After having sex with myself, I just roll over and go to sleep. I AM THE WORST. I wouldn’t want me as a spouse! Okay, so I need to wine
    and dine and treat myself like the goddess I am!! RIGHT?! Thanks, Tiara, for yet ANOTHER reminder. Your wisdom is very appreciated and heard.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. I’ve started going to my local SCA combat practices so I can legally beat people with sticks. : D

    There’s something intensely satisfying about knowing that I can fight. To me, it’s like chess only I’m the chess piece. A sexy one decked out in battle armor. : 3

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I learned a long time ago the only way I’m going to get romance in my life is if I romance myself. So I buy myself roses, or at least rose oils for my skin. There are champagne toasts to my accomplshments, such as surviving the working week. New pair of heels? Yeah, I bought myself those because true love deserves a new pair of heels.
    As always, love your writing xx

    Liked by 3 people

  6. This was an absolutely amazing post Tiara!!! I have never been that girl that needs to be wined and dined, but I do hold my husband to some standards. But I am very easy going about things! Going to fancy restaurants has never been something that was appealing to me because I think the food is overpriced and often not that great. I have one restaurant I like to go to with my husband. It is one of those laid back place and not expensive at all.
    I do need to learn to romance myself a little more because I have always been the one that takes care of everyone else and neglects my own needs. I guess I need to learn to make love to myself!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This is AWESOME…. I wine and dine myself often. I buy myself all the pretty things – BUT, I need to start working on impressing myself. Hmmmm…. maybe the motivation/mindset I need to actually get my ass out of bed and working out in the mornings. I freakin’ love your perspective!

    Liked by 3 people

  8. This is a great way of phrasing “self-care.” I am a mom of three young kids. I make sure to have time for myself every day. That usually means writing my next novel and reading. I also get a massage every month. I am always trying to impress upon other woman (especially moms who live vicariously through their kids) that they need to do something for themselves. Otherwise, it’s misery.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. when I got divorced the second time 10 years ago, I decided I had to learn how to date myself before I ever explored another relationship again..this was the deepest form of getting to know myself personally outside of being a mother and discovering who the fuck I am, what i like and what I didn’t like anymore..this has been my gateway to self care and self love and led me down a path of becoming a reiki master, a certified crystal healer, a blogger, a good friend to myself and others, a much better wife (3rd and final husband) and mother..on top of it I buy myself weekly roses just because ❤ great fucking blog! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  10. I love this! I am proud to say that I am an expert at romancing myself. I take myself to the best restaurants, splurge on occasional treats, work out regularly so I can wow myself whenever I look in the mirror, drinks lots of water so I glow, pamper my skin, and am learning Portuguese.

    On Valentine’s Day I take it up a notch and buy myself my favorite flowers and Godiva chocolates (ok ok, Dove chocolates. I’m on a budget!).

    What really gets me hot? Putting on thick mascara and self-tanner. Lord have mercy.

    Romancing and impressing ourselves is important! We’re the only ones who know how to do it right. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  11. ‘Ello glasshopper,

    I buy myself ridiculously expensive coffee
    I give myself days off work, where I dress in the sloppiest clothes that exist, and do nu-nu-nuthing!
    I (try and) meditate every day. It’s like a reset button.

    Also, I take my time. (coming from a woman who’d rather be half an hour early than a minute late for anything in my life up to now. These days I make a conscious decision to take my time and not worry about. That’s not to be a snarky bi***, it means I’m not going to get myself in a tizz about things that in the big scheme of things, really aren’t important.

    Much love,

    Sam xox

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Damn girl, does looking forward to reading your insightful, mentally stimulating post count? Or maybe those 5 pair of Marilyn Monroe thongs have just bought for My upcoming Montreal girls trip…like the Scouts say …Be prepared!

    Liked by 4 people

  13. I love this so much, I can’t even tell you. When shit falls apart, like everything falls apart, and you don’t have anyone else to blame but yourself…it’s a daily battle to not beat the shit out of yourself and think you deserve nothing more than suffering.
    But I’m here to tell you, it’s a downward spiral. You exist in a world of self-depreciation and you seem to attract people and circumstances that validate that shitty is all you deserve.

    We don’t. We are god damn warriors and doing the seemingly impossible; we are choosing to live fully and say fuck off to complacency or status quo.

    So, yes, we deserve to be decadent and fabulous and massaged and lathered in expensive, smelly shit, and have everyone around us tell us how fabulous we are…
    That’s my take on the whole thing, anyway…now I just need to actually do all that….

    Liked by 5 people

  14. I call this “feeding my spirit”. Love everything you said because it’s all truth. Today when I got home from work and then visiting my elderly parents, I was pissed off to find that my husband had spent his day at the gym and then at the pool. WTF? Further, he cannot grasp why this upset me. I sit here wondering why I am so upset almost to the point of tears and poof, I know the answer. What have I done for ME lately!? Yeah, I have been hoarding new earrings and such, but that doesn’t really do it for me. I work so many jobs, what feeds me is being able to have a day where I can do whatever I want to, whenever I want to. I regularly buy flowers for myself and yummy lotions and facial stuff, but it’s the times I say, “Um no, I am sorry, I am not available today” and then I take the day to read a new book, paint a new picture, GO TO THE FUCKING POOL (Sorry. Still not over it.), or even spend the day writing something I want to write…that I really feel I am feeding my spirit. Tonight, I am having some wine and instead of cooking a fantastic meal (because I’m a foodie!), we are ordering Greek food delivered that will probably be sub-par. My feet are UP and hubs will have to answer the door. So there.

    Oh…and I love you. 💕

    Liked by 3 people

  15. I think this really spells out why I hate the phrase self care so much… it always sounds a little whiny and pathetic. Self romancing way better! I started my blog because I wanted to plan things for me to look forward to, and write about them. A year and a half later keeping up the blog holds me accountable to keeping that up. And it’s made me a better me! I started creative writing again, I’m happier… self romance is the way to go!

    Liked by 3 people

  16. I love this!!! I’m guilty of taking care of everyone else but myself, need to get in the habit of doing this. Just started following your blog and I love it!!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. YES! I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself lately career wise that I totally forgot to romance myself! I’ve recently decided that since it’s June I’m now in summer camp, because if ten year olds can do it so can I. I’m trying to teach myself guitar, honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do! I want to visit Solvang, CA for the first time and go wine tasting. I want to finish at least three books off of my like 100 title list I’ve been meaning to tackle. But most importantly I want to stop worrying so damn much! (I think the wine will help!)

    Liked by 3 people

  18. “As a society, we have started to come around to this idea. We call it “self-care.” And while I am a wild about it, there is this maternal, almost wound-licking tone to it that makes me questions its lasting effectivenes [..] Self-romancing is a lifestyle. It’s not something you pull out when you’ve gone overboard with your commitments, become too entrenched with family drama, or realized your children may just eat you alive if you let them.”

    Please excuse me while I rant for 5 decades about how people have turned self care into a useless buzzword that doesn’t mean what it actually means- and a process that’s about 39572397502735907 miles away from being any sort of effective.

    WHY DOES THE INTERNET RUIN MY LEGITIMATE MENTAL HEALTH COPING TECHNIQUES.

    Liked by 5 people

  19. Wonderful post! Yesterday, I took a mental health day and went to a Himalayan Salt Cave!! Who DOES that?? It was very relaxing though, and a week ago I didn’t even know they existed. Thank you for always providing good ideas, and making me laugh too.

    Liked by 5 people

  20. I just started getting my nails done every 2 weeks to get them ready for my wedding (50 days to go!), but I think I might have to continue this routine after the wedding. I am woman, hear me purr like a sex kitten with claws. Me-ow!

    I also like to sit naked on my deck, either sunbathing or at night with the torches aglow smoking a cigar. God, I love myself!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Yes!!!!! Which basically makes me a stubborn fat whore with lots of possibilities for “self romancing” – Hahahahahaha! Truthfully, I don’t live by it, but I love being a Taurus! We are so fucking awesome!

        Liked by 3 people

  21. It took me almost 40 years to find this concept- over the past three years, I’ve lost weight, started caring about my appearance (hair, makeup, clothing), started blogging, and most recently, I’m working on learning Spanish (again). I’ve never cared more about how I feel about myself (and less about how hubby feels about me) than I do now. Don’t get me wrong, though, hubby thinks that the way I feel about myself is sexy as hell!

    Liked by 2 people

  22. Damn girl! Great post. I’m shocked that so many of you young women hate your gorgeous bodies. Mine is old and lumpy, bumpy and fabulous! Parts bang together and I don’t care because I’m ALIVE! Had a rotten experience with tech support a few days ago, so I decided yesterday was rejuvination day. I am retired, so I get that I have more time, but I TAKE it, too. It was lovely outside so I sat on my little patio with a big water and a book. All day long! The development gardeners had to work around me! It felt like a vacation. Gotta take care of you first, just like if you’re on a flight and you have to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. I’m number one. So are you!

    Liked by 6 people

  23. I take baths regularly and cook delicious meals for myself. The new romance in my life, however, is that I started taking dance lessons: tango! And I love it. I also decided to buy myself a membership to the art museum in Indianapolis. Great article. I’ve been practicing “self-care,” but I think rephrasing it as “self-romance” will make it even more enjoyable.

    Liked by 4 people

  24. As Bud Bundy once said “sometimes I can hardly wait to touch myself … uh … you know what I mean.”

    (Peg’s response: “sadly, we do.”)

    I can’t stress enough the importance of self-love. Everything else in life flows through it. Over on the TBT channel (www.tombeingtom.com, natch) we love ourselves so much we say our name twice. The universe itself generally does not conspire against Tom because he has a symbiosis with love.

    (I used the third person in that last sentence because even I don’t know what it means.)

    DG, you’ve given me a lot to think about with this post…

    … uh … you know what I mean. 🤨

    Liked by 3 people

  25. An excellent post. Reminds me that I need to learn something new, which I haven’t done for a while, even though I keep planning to take a course. As for self-care, I put aside time to write, which is so important to me. And pedicures!

    Liked by 5 people

  26. damn girl, love this. I cracked up so hard at”baby mama drama” lmao, I dislike my appearance but like most other things about myself.im working on it everyday, and once day ill become someone I can be really proud of.love thisss<3

    Liked by 3 people

  27. I like how you connected Self-care to it, because I agree that it kind of implies something is wrong. But loving yourself like you would the love of your of your life is important! I’ve started to love myself more and actually nurture my interests (instead of focusing on others more than myself.) I’m making 2018 all about me.

    Also you and your s/o are lowkey goals 💖

    Love xx

    Liked by 5 people

  28. We recently (as in just yesterday) got back from a week long Caribbean cruise. And every night I took my happy little (ok..NOT so little) ass to the R rated comedy shows. I had NO idea who these comedians were..I’d never seen them before. Never heard their names. But I went anyway because my taste in comedy runs to George Carlin and Sam Kinnison and Katt Williams. I like my comedy to be dirty and raw and raunchy AF. My husband does not. So he took himself to bed and I was cool with that. He wouldn’t have enjoyed being there..it would’ve been way too dirty for him. But I was cool with it and cool with just chillin in the club by myself, drink in hand, laughing so hard I peed my damn pants on several occasions and being flirted with (well, one night anyway) by a hot little thang who winked at me and made that “Girl, you so fine.” face. LOL

    Liked by 5 people

  29. Love this! Great examples. I’ve really been into romancing myself, too, since I’ve been focusing on self-love so this blog post came at a really good time 🙂
    Also you and your husband sound so cute! Those pet names are so adorable! I’m happy for you both.
    Also I like the theory that Romeo and Juliet was written to make fun of foolish people who fall in love too easily and passionately. I could never stand either of them. I don’t get how this story ever got misconstrued into some ideal of love…

    Liked by 3 people

  30. I just discovered your blog and honestly I am crazy in love. Your writing literally hooked me in from the get go and having such a personal style of prose is something I’ve been working towards foreverrrr.

    Anyways, I love the idea of this post. There has been a lot about self love recently, but the other day I found something that was like “self love is a toxic idea designed for mentally able people” and I was like what? Like I’m sorry, what on earth could possibly be toxic about self love? It’s definitely something I’ve been working on a lot more recently – and have booked an almost three month stay in Spain starting in a few days. Honestly, I am absolutely shitting it and kinda a lot don’t want to go, but ehhhhh.

    (I also can’t remember my WordPress password and gotta log in with Twitter but also lowkey wanted to drop my blog – wandering-everywhere.com – here also so you can maybe like mine a little of the percent that I love yours?)

    Liked by 3 people

  31. I love this post….I have been doing this kind of shit for almost 2 years but did not have a name for it, I love finding out that I am self romancing!!
    One example is something I do consistently is I shave every single day, I have killed so many freaking unicorns because I shave even though I know that nobody is going to see my legs and vajayjay but me because I love the sexy feel and smoothness of it. I used to think I was doing it “Just in case” sex was on the table but I questioned it the other day when I was running late but still taking the time to shave in the shower and realized NOPE….I do it just for ME

    Like

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