My Marriage is Easy?

I’ve been waiting for it to happen: that time in my marriage when I start to understand what everyone is talking about. The time when I start to nod along in agreement to people saying marriage is “hard work,” that it’s not “easy.” My ten year anniversary has come and gone and despite health problems, cross-country relocations, financial hardships, and family emergencies, the only thing that hasn’t been hard work has been my relationship.

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My marriage, however, has been the cause of three break ups… seriously. My brother-in-law’s girlfriend wrote me on Facebook one day saying that watching my husband and I in our daily interactions gave her horrible proof of the way a relationship “could” be, and she couldn’t continue to settle knowing it was a possibility. One of my very good friends said she just assumed all marriages were like hers and seeing mine filled her with so much sadness for herself that she kicked her husband out of the house.

It’s bewildering. It’s not as though my husband and I are Gomez and Morticia, shamelessly making out at funerals, family reunions, and the DMV.

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On the weekdays he kisses me goodbye on his way to work, we exchange some loving words mixed with reminders of daily responsibilities. “You are so gorgeous baby, I miss your face. Also, could you pick up some scotch tape if you go out today?”

He comes home, we prepare a meal together while drinking a glass of wine or a Manhattan, eat, watch a little television, go for a walk. Maybe we catch a yoga class, or meet up with some friends. Repeat.

I asked my husband the other day, “So, like… is this supposed to get super hard at some point?” “Eh, I think we’re out of the woods,” he said.

So after 11 years of smooth sailing, this is the best advice I can offer:

Know your values

A year into this blog and I haven’t given relationship advice for a very good reason: 90 percent of the “work” was done in picking the right partner. I don’t feel like some marriage genius that took a hardcore republican pastor with a snake fetish who wanted nine children and molded our separate philosophies and interests together into something wonderful. We had the same values. We had the same idea of what constitutes a “good time.” Prevention is the best medicine so all I am saying is build yourself a time machine and when it turns out that bastard you are with tells you he finds vanilla a superior flavor to chocolate, GET OUTTA THERE!

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All relationships are unique and have their own set of challenges, and we find ourselves in them for all sorts of reasons. Factors such as children, finances, religion, mental health, expectations, shared friends, and community can make us grow closer or farther from each other and I don’t judge anyone who feels stuck or unhappy. What constitutes a successful relationship is a subjective idea. All I can offer is my ideas about relationships from a happy wife with an easy partner.

Sex Scheduling

I live by my “to do” list. But the idea of having a “whom to do today” list was a level of monoga-meh I promised myself I would never reach. What an idiot.

My idea of sex scheduling, year one:

  • Wake up
  • Send out work emails
  • Call Linda about the HOA dues
  • Have sex, I guess
  • Change the cat litter box

Reality of sex scheduling, year 11:

  • Wake up
  • Send out work emails
  • Call Linda about the HOA dues
  • Slow down your day
  • Take a shower
  • Light some candles
  • Touch yourself
  • Have amazing sex you actually took time to fully enjoy
  • I don’t have a cat

You want to know the great thing about sex scheduling? It shows that you are making physical intimacy a fucking priority (see what I did there? Eh? Eh?) Sex scheduling is actually a very sexy gesture and it keeps you in the mood. The raging hormones of year one aren’t going to stick around forever, but your sex life can.

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I don’t believe in unconditional love

That seems harsh, but it’s true. I embrace the fact that my love is highly conditional. If you leave the toilet seat up, I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!

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I kid.

Life is going to throw shit balls our way. Depression, anxiety, and physical and financial hardships and one should work through those. But my love for my partner is based on so many conditions that must especially exist during the hard times. My big three are kindness,  consideration, and attentiveness.

I have no desire to make my relationship work. If my husband decided to stop being kind to me, stopped listening to me, stopped considering me, then I would decide to take my newly single ass to have one night stands in Barcelona after salsa dancing and sangria. I love my husband, and maybe my love is unconditional, but my commitment and my time are not.

I believe we are all entitled to our own personal lives

This one gets me in trouble the most. I firmly believe that we are all entitled to our own thoughts, feelings, and relationships. This idea of “If you wouldn’t do or say that in front of your spouse, then don’t do it at all,” is a leash that I find too short for most people.

We talk about different things with different people, we act differently when we are alone or with our families or with our friends. The idea of censoring oneself on behalf of a spouse is… awful. My marriage is not North Korea, I am not Kim Jong Un. The Dear Leader doesn’t have eyes and ears everywhere. You are who you are and you are entitled to your unique experiences and expressions.

So many people complain that their spouse hasn’t grown and has stagnated, that the passion has left not just their marriage, but the person. How could they remain passionate when they don’t allow their spouses the experiences necessary to remain a flourishing and interesting human?

Control is an illusion, mannn

I have no desire to control my spouse. We have a monogamous marriage and that is the agreement we have and are happy with. If that should change, and my husband wants to come out of the closet, join the circus, and change his name to Agamemnon, exactly what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?

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I have no desire to keep someone from living the life they want to live. I don’t believe people cheat because they are tempted away. I believe people cheat because they are unhappy. I love my spouse and if he believed he would have a happier life with someone else, I would want him to have the happiest life he could have. Luckily I’m a damn good wife, and I call him Agememonon in bed constantly.

Position yourself to choose

There is no better feeling than knowing your partner actively chooses you. When I am with my husband, it is because there is no one else we would rather be with, and nowhere else we would rather be. He is my favorite person. There is no faking or censorship, no false control. I am who I am, he is who he is, and together we have a happy life. I am a huge advocate for financial independence, and community building outside of your marriage. I believe the more over the moon you are, the less stuck you should be. Do everything in your power to have the option to leave your relationship, and enjoy the peace and security that comes with choosing to stay.

Privilege alert: I have found myself in situations where I have stayed in bad arrangements quite literally for a sandwich. No connections, no money, nowhere to go, and no way to get there. Small steps are still steps. Please reach out to me personally if you need resources on how to leave when you feel truly stuck.

Married? Divorced? In lurrrve? What are your relationship tips? Do I give my spouse too long of a leash? Should I dye my hair black ala Morticia Addams? Let me know in the comments below!

76 thoughts on “My Marriage is Easy?

  1. I was skipping along until I found this. I had no intention of staying but you hooked me. This is an amazing piece of work. I’ve been married since 1994 and you hit on all the marks.

    I don’t know what the secret formula is for marriage. Maybe a bad memory. I have a friend who can remember every detail of his life and he’s divorced. Maybe there’s some truth in that.

    I can relate to much to the things you said. However: I do own a cat. I have three. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You’re blessed Tiara! My husband and sperm donor is also, my high school sweetheart. We are now 33.
    Do the math. LOL. My story is much much more complicated but I thrive off of intense and unpredictable relationships that tend to sometimes be a challenge. I always say there’s that ONE person who will make you CRAZY. I mean like, fucking institutionalize-me-because-I-love-him-so-much-I-may-shank-the-motherfucker-in-his-sleep type of CRAZY and that’s the one I wanted to keep forever ::::insert psycho laugh:::: I had a man cater to me like I was a sick fragile little princess stuck in a tower once, I’m talking- Prince Charming shit. I’d wake up and I’d have fancy breakfast omelette and mimosas waiting for me and I was never allowed to clean a dish. And he’d make the bed. And tell me I was everything. And he taught me football and we listened to Jack Johnson together at night in candle light. And I dropped him like a bad fucking habit. That shit is boring. Okur? Fight me please. Call me your bitch. Play fight with me and then piss me off because you left teeth marks in my fat thighs. And then Zelle me some money for coffee and feed me Taco Bell for dinner. Perfection. Lol. To each his own right?! Love you forever! Miss you!!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Ely you know your thighs are svelte. For realsies, I took a martial arts class the other day and this dude called me a “princess” and was being so obnoxiously gentle and I was like ” I will kill and eat you motherfucker.” haha!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I firmly believe your spouse should be your best friend, but then that’s what works for us. Like you say: you shouldn’t feel the need to censor yourself in front of your significant other. For me, that’s being who I genuinely am with him. I’m most comfortable with my husband and that’s how I know he’s right for me. It isn’t work, it’s fun!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow. I love this post
    What stuck with me is that you are constantly choosing to love. To work on your marriage without the hardship by being what you want.
    I hope it is always smooth sailing…
    Thanks for sharing.
    Love and light

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It was really incredible to read your post……specially that (a) it is not hard work and (b) you can be yourself…
    Thanks for sharing!!
    Also, that 90% of the task is in finding the right partner!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻


  6. Single and still mingling but that is because I am all about your rule #1…choosing well in the first place. I have never been married but I do believe that the hard work comes before the “I do” in just making sure you pick the right person. I see friends struggling in marriage and while I hate to be the single chick who says, “I knew that would happen,” I fucking knew it would happen. When you have to compromise a whole bunch and tell yourself you’re ok with a whole lot your marriage is going to be hard work…not that the work isn’t worth it, but it’s gonna be hard. That ain’t for me so I’ll keep waiting until I meet the man who makes it easy.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. So, this is the first time I’ve read anything that so strongly resonates with the way my own marriage works, and I feel seen, and like someone whose approach to life I hella respect gets it, and I can’t express how good that feels. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Finally someone else who gets that it’s easy. 35 years and it has been like one long date with my best friend, confidant, adventure guide…and so on. I usually don’t say a thing when my friends start complaining about their marriage; I figure why pile on. Treat your partner every day the same way you treated them on your wedding day. It really is up to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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