My Marriage is Easy?

I’ve been waiting for it to happen: that time in my marriage when I start to understand what everyone is talking about. The time when I start to nod along in agreement to people saying marriage is “hard work,” that it’s not “easy.” My ten year anniversary has come and gone and despite health problems, cross-country relocations, financial hardships, and family emergencies, the only thing that hasn’t been hard work has been my relationship.

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My marriage, however, has been the cause of three break ups… seriously. My brother-in-law’s girlfriend wrote me on Facebook one day saying that watching my husband and I in our daily interactions gave her horrible proof of the way a relationship “could” be, and she couldn’t continue to settle knowing it was a possibility. One of my very good friends said she just assumed all marriages were like hers and seeing mine filled her with so much sadness for herself that she kicked her husband out of the house.

It’s bewildering. It’s not as though my husband and I are Gomez and Morticia, shamelessly making out at funerals, family reunions, and the DMV.

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On the weekdays he kisses me goodbye on his way to work, we exchange some loving words mixed with reminders of daily responsibilities. “You are so gorgeous baby, I miss your face. Also, could you pick up some scotch tape if you go out today?”

He comes home, we prepare a meal together while drinking a glass of wine or a Manhattan, eat, watch a little television, go for a walk. Maybe we catch a yoga class, or meet up with some friends. Repeat.

I asked my husband the other day, “So, like… is this supposed to get super hard at some point?” “Eh, I think we’re out of the woods,” he said.

So after 11 years of smooth sailing, this is the best advice I can offer:

Know your values

A year into this blog and I haven’t given relationship advice for a very good reason: 90 percent of the “work” was done in picking the right partner. I don’t feel like some marriage genius that took a hardcore republican pastor with a snake fetish who wanted nine children and molded our separate philosophies and interests together into something wonderful. We had the same values. We had the same idea of what constitutes a “good time.” Prevention is the best medicine so all I am saying is build yourself a time machine and when it turns out that bastard you are with tells you he finds vanilla a superior flavor to chocolate, GET OUTTA THERE!

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All relationships are unique and have their own set of challenges, and we find ourselves in them for all sorts of reasons. Factors such as children, finances, religion, mental health, expectations, shared friends, and community can make us grow closer or farther from each other and I don’t judge anyone who feels stuck or unhappy. What constitutes a successful relationship is a subjective idea. All I can offer is my ideas about relationships from a happy wife with an easy partner.

Sex Scheduling

I live by my “to do” list. But the idea of having a “whom to do today” list was a level of monoga-meh I promised myself I would never reach. What an idiot.

My idea of sex scheduling, year one:

  • Wake up
  • Send out work emails
  • Call Linda about the HOA dues
  • Have sex, I guess
  • Change the cat litter box

Reality of sex scheduling, year 11:

  • Wake up
  • Send out work emails
  • Call Linda about the HOA dues
  • Slow down your day
  • Take a shower
  • Light some candles
  • Touch yourself
  • Have amazing sex you actually took time to fully enjoy
  • I don’t have a cat

You want to know the great thing about sex scheduling? It shows that you are making physical intimacy a fucking priority (see what I did there? Eh? Eh?) Sex scheduling is actually a very sexy gesture and it keeps you in the mood. The raging hormones of year one aren’t going to stick around forever, but your sex life can.

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I don’t believe in unconditional love

That seems harsh, but it’s true. I embrace the fact that my love is highly conditional. If you leave the toilet seat up, I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!

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I kid.

Life is going to throw shit balls our way. Depression, anxiety, and physical and financial hardships and one should work through those. But my love for my partner is based on so many conditions that must especially exist during the hard times. My big three are kindness,  consideration, and attentiveness.

I have no desire to make my relationship work. If my husband decided to stop being kind to me, stopped listening to me, stopped considering me, then I would decide to take my newly single ass to have one night stands in Barcelona after salsa dancing and sangria. I love my husband, and maybe my love is unconditional, but my commitment and my time are not.

I believe we are all entitled to our own personal lives

This one gets me in trouble the most. I firmly believe that we are all entitled to our own thoughts, feelings, and relationships. This idea of “If you wouldn’t do or say that in front of your spouse, then don’t do it at all,” is a leash that I find too short for most people.

We talk about different things with different people, we act differently when we are alone or with our families or with our friends. The idea of censoring oneself on behalf of a spouse is… awful. My marriage is not North Korea, I am not Kim Jong Un. The Dear Leader doesn’t have eyes and ears everywhere. You are who you are and you are entitled to your unique experiences and expressions.

So many people complain that their spouse hasn’t grown and has stagnated, that the passion has left not just their marriage, but the person. How could they remain passionate when they don’t allow their spouses the experiences necessary to remain a flourishing and interesting human?

Control is an illusion, mannn

I have no desire to control my spouse. We have a monogamous marriage and that is the agreement we have and are happy with. If that should change, and my husband wants to come out of the closet, join the circus, and change his name to Agamemnon, exactly what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?

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I have no desire to keep someone from living the life they want to live. I don’t believe people cheat because they are tempted away. I believe people cheat because they are unhappy. I love my spouse and if he believed he would have a happier life with someone else, I would want him to have the happiest life he could have. Luckily I’m a damn good wife, and I call him Agememonon in bed constantly.

Position yourself to choose

There is no better feeling than knowing your partner actively chooses you. When I am with my husband, it is because there is no one else we would rather be with, and nowhere else we would rather be. He is my favorite person. There is no faking or censorship, no false control. I am who I am, he is who he is, and together we have a happy life. I am a huge advocate for financial independence, and community building outside of your marriage. I believe the more over the moon you are, the less stuck you should be. Do everything in your power to have the option to leave your relationship, and enjoy the peace and security that comes with choosing to stay.

Privilege alert: I have found myself in situations where I have stayed in bad arrangements quite literally for a sandwich. No connections, no money, nowhere to go, and no way to get there. Small steps are still steps. Please reach out to me personally if you need resources on how to leave when you feel truly stuck.

Married? Divorced? In lurrrve? What are your relationship tips? Do I give my spouse too long of a leash? Should I dye my hair black ala Morticia Addams? Let me know in the comments below!

76 thoughts on “My Marriage is Easy?

  1. I am living for this post! I love that you find life with your partner easy. That is such a blessing. We all have hard days, but life should be about just getting to hang out with your best friend. Taking the time to appreciate and love each other while giving your person the freedom to grow, now that is #relationshipgoals. Can’t get enough of you DGGYST!

    Liked by 5 people

      1. Well I am definitely going to have to get to the bottom of that! For now, please stalk away I would be honored!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Got married kind of young (dumb and broke…), me 24 him 23. Together for 4 years before that. Still married 17 1/2 years later, and definitely things have gotten easier over time. Kids are somewhat independent, we can have date nights and focus on our relationship more than when the kids were younger. Had a rough first five years of marriage, but we were determined to make it work. Marriage is a commitment and the relationship needs to be nurtured for it to succeed. I love having my husband to share this life with!

    Thank you for your post!

    Liked by 7 people

  3. This is PERFECT. I have been in two abusive relationships and always thought that relationships were supposed to work like that, and I’ve had two short-term relationships where I stuck with the dude just because I didn’t think I could find anything better and it was better than being single, I thought. I compromised on a lot of things.

    Now I’m with someone that I actually *get*. We work together so well. While we have a few things that aren’t similar in tastes, it doesn’t cause any sort of rift between us because the things we don’t agree on are super unimportant (he doesn’t like pickles, I like pickles, etc.). I had no idea that a relationship could WORK without fighting/arguing all the time. I haven’t fought with this guy yet (except we do tease each other over where we’re going to eat), and we’ve been together nearly eight months.

    Your advice is spot-on. Find yourself someone who respects you and makes you feel wanted, and if anything changes, don’t try to “work it out” — chances are, he was like that before he met you and was putting on a show for you until he had you ensnared so deep you felt like the timesink meant you needed to stay no matter what.

    I see people fighting with their SOs, fighting with their spouses, and I’ve had people complain about their relationship problems to me, and I’m just like, “Why haven’t y’all talked about this?” or “I’m sorry, I’ve got no advice because I haven’t experienced that.” I’m really hoping I’ve found the one in this one. I’ve finally found one that I want to come home to at the end of every day.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I am so glad that you are happy with this non pickle eater! haha! You know, I think we all have those relationships we try to make work, but the thing about work is, one day we all want to retire 😉

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  4. This was hands down the best relationship post I’ve ever read. Though I admittedly don’t read many – I have no need too. But your openness and humor drew me in.

    From the outside world, people always envy the relationship my partner and I have. It’s never perfect, sometimes he’s angry, sometimes I’m angry, but we give each other space to be whatever/whoever/ and what mood we need. It’s a fine dance of love, giving, and leaving be. It works well, I hope everyone can find that type of peace with another person.

    Keep on keeping on!

    Liked by 4 people

  5. After my first two marriages, I swore to myself that I would never get married again. And then I met the mister. All of my previous relationships were quick and to the point falling in love. But I was pretty much still a kid. When I met the mister, I felt those feelings all over again, but we took everything slow and easy. A year after we committed to being together, he proposed. A year after that, we got married. But we had lots of adjustment time to get to that point. And by then, I was convinced that he was “the” one.
    We’ve been together for 7 years now, and I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. After being with a narcissist for 11 years, my view of relationships was incredibly skewed, and it took a lot of time and patience on the mister’s part for me to work through (most) of those issues. The right person doesn’t just make you happy, they make you a better person. The mister has Never tried to change me, but I change and grow just by the nature of our relationship, because I am free to be who and what I am.

    That’s not to say that our relationship is perfect, we (rarely) argue and fight just like anyone else, but it’s perfect for us. I’m glad to know we’re not the only ones out there that seem to have a “perfect” relationship that holds up under the surface. Unfortunately, we are few and far between it seems.

    Btw…glad to know we’re not the only couple that schedules in some horizontal mambo time xD

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Did we just write the same post?? I wish I’d written mine in a less tense moment but I really feel like this shit is not only important but BASIC. I feel like not enough people understand that it can be good. Damn, it’s depressing.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You both should definitely dress up as Morticia and Gomez for Halloween! I love how practical your advice in this post is; so often we approach love like this perfect recipe or formula that should be repeated in our lives and in the lives of others then we wonder why we’re unhappy. Giving your relationship the unique terms that are designed specifically for your connection is ultra important. That you for voicing what so many happy couples are afraid to say to family and friends who think love/relationships are hard. I see it too often, it’s ok to be #unapologeticallyhappilyMarried and I look forward to just that one day!

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I’ve been with my husband since we were 15, we’re now 32. We only got married 4 years ago. There was so much about this post I related to. The “hardest” parts of our relationship were doing long distance for 4 years in college, then living with my parents in our early 20’s. But those had nothing to do with us as a couple as much as our circumstances and living situations.

    People are often surprised when they see how affectionate we are, we work in the same building (different departments), so we already spend a lot of time together. But I mean…we became a couple and got married because we like each other, enjoy spending time together, we were friends before we were romantic. I don’t wake up every day feeling like “ughhhh I wish my husband was cooler”.

    We also have our own interests, and make sure we give each other alone time. So much togetherness can become ugly. But we’re very open in our communication and there’s very little I’m not comfortable talking about with him.

    Scheduling sex has been a positive and a negative for me, because if I’m in the right head space it can make me feel good the whole day and give me something to look forward to. If I’m having a bad brain day though, it spirals me down a black hole of pressure. But I TALK TO MY HUSBAND. I tell him where I’m at, and we work through it.

    I think for us that’s the thing, our relationship is work. But it’s work we like to do, and by doing a little every day it doesn’t feel like work. It just feels like a part of life. I love him very much, and he loves me. We make sure the other knows it every day.

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  9. I just celebrated by 31st wedding anniversary. In addition to what you’ve mentioned, I’ve always thought that the key to a good marriage was treating each other as true equals, being willing to compromise, and laughing a lot

    Liked by 5 people

  10. I feel pretty stupid at how hard I’m working on my relationship. I’m basically giving myself CPR from the moment I wake up to the moment I curl up to the wall to sleep. The last two times I signed a rental agreement, I sweated over the decision to stay another year.
    We’ve had a lot of talks, counseling helped a lot, and things are getting better. We aren’t nasty to each other when there is a disagreement. Despite the years, there’s still lots of sex.
    But, nobody has seen that guy I once was for years. I miss him, too. He was a legend, used to put foot to ass every minute of the day.
    So, why do this to myself? For the children, I have reasoned. Because her daughter and my son call each other brother and sister. Because the best part of that little girl’s life is when she has her brother to play with. And, I feel bad for saying it, but my girlfriend probably deserves having a child around who is simply content most of the time. I don’t want my son to think women are disposable because his dad cycled through them his entire childhood. I don’t want to abandon the maladapted little girl that already spews hate and fights everything tooth and nail. I want her to look back on her childhood and know that someone at least tried to help her along the way.
    I feel like all of that is important, but I also feel like a traitor to myself. My friends talk to me less and less, and usually have little to say except, “RUN! Run for your life!”
    I’m in a big, gray Purgatory. I don’t know what’s right or what’s best. I mostly just wish things would run their course and either come together or finish going to hell.

    I won’t blame your happy marriage, though! I’m just glad to know people have such a capacity and can give the world the best of themselves, it sure needs it!

    Liked by 5 people

  11. The best predictor of a happy relationship is the happiness of the two individuals. It sounds so simple, but I know a lot of people who think finding that “special someone” is what will make them happy. Actually, if you find your own happiness, that “special someone” will naturally be drawn to you. This is something I learned very recently and thought I’d share.

    Loved this article. I also advocate for more independence in a relationship than the fairytale-prince-charming-complex cultural norm. Separate finances and personal interests are important!

    Liked by 4 people

  12. The relationship you have with your husband is like the relationship I have with mine. While some friends are getting divorced or experiencing marital hardship, I’m cuddled up on the sofa with my hubby like, “Hey babe, are we doing this right? Cause I love being married to you.” We’re so lovey dovey when we’re together it gets sickening lol, but like you said 90 percent of the work is choosing the right partner. I’d also add one tip: You don’t have to say EVERYTHING that comes to your mind (if you want to maintain a peaceful household). So glad you’re back!

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  13. I thought my marriage was easy too! Until we had a child, lol. Having a kid brought out some of our individual traits that didn’t mesh well together. (And I totally take half the blame here – it turns out that I can be a really controlling person when I care deeply about something and my husband has a short fuse for people who don’t listen to him.) We’re definitely putting work into our relationship now, but I think we’re getting to a really good place again.

    I think the best advice I have is to not take each other for granted and always follow the 60/40 rule where you both aim to do 60% of the household work. By each aiming to do more, the relationship benefits. Plus, you stop trying to keep a tally of everything you’re doing as compared to what your spouse is doing.

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  14. You’re so right when you said “90 percent of the “work” was done in picking the right partner.” That should be printed on t-shirts for anyone looking for a marriage mate. I’ve been happily married for 12 years and it’s getting better and better. When we were courting we both realized we were on the same page when it came to religion, politics, the want or lack thereof to have kids, what we consider fun and recreation etc. We have very different personalities but our differences compliment each other and we work well together as a team. No one is perfect and as you get older your viewpoints, likes and dislikes can and will change. However, “Love is the perfect bond of union” (Colossians 3:14). What helps us get through difficult times is applying practical advice from the Bible. A marriage is work but if your determined to make things get better the work is well worth it. Here’s a link to an article that provided us with a lot of good advice:

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  15. After 37 years of marriage I can tell you that there are times when you don’t like your spouse, times you would rather your own company, but our values are the same and we keep on. Prep is key, once the first bloom of lust is gone, no matter how long that is, you are married to the same person you chose.

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  16. Oh, sista, I’d like to tell you its been all rainbows and butterflies along the way, but it hadn’t. We’ve had our battles, I’ll tell you what! 🤣 The battles we’ve had, however, the bad ones , they’ve all been about control. When I thought I could, or should, change her, or when she thought she could, or should, change me … well … those were the worst of times.

    And I mean, final, that’s it, no more, we’s through kinda times.

    But we survived. We survived and learned from each experience. I guess it’s different for everybody, but in the end we’ve always believed in “us” more than we’ve believed in either/or.

    Today it’s the best it’s ever been. I let Suzie be Suzie and she lets Tom be Tom. In my post just after our 20-year renewal*, I talked about how everyone, all week long, had asked me “what’s the secret?” After an easy joke I told the truth, and the secret is very much what you’ve said. She is my best friend; even when we fight. ❤️

    There’s meme that’s been around a while, and it shows an old man and an old women sitting on a park bench, facing away from each other. The rain is pouring down and the old man looks furious about something. His arm is stretched out as far behind him as possible and he holds the only umbrella between them over her head. The caption reads “Love is caring for each other even when you’re angry.”

    Yeah, that’s Mrs C and me, has been for more than 20 years, will most certainly be for the rest of them remaining.

    Great post, my friend, and spot on. Happy lifetime of love you to you. 🙂


    Liked by 4 people

    1. Easy: You’re still married to the exact same person- that person just now happens to be ill (though really, they were likely always ill and it’s just now manifesting visibly- which is incredibly common).

      If you can’t handle that, there’s no shame in leaving the relationship. Please don’t stay with them out of misguided feelings of obligation or pity- especially if you don’t feel you love, recognize, or can genuinely continue being with them anymore; from a chronically ill woman who also have BP II: There’s nothing worse than partners staying with us “despite our illnesses”, when it’s unhealthy or no longer fulfilling for them to do so.

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  17. This was yet again another absolutely brilliant post! I have been with my husband for almost 14 years and married 7 of those years. We typically have the same thoughts and do not disagree on much. Thankfully we are in 100% agreement on being faithful, honest, we are not having children and we agree fully on politics! People who disagree on the important things in life are probably not the best match. I see people everyday that disagree on important things and they are miserable and fight non stop. My husband and I hardly ever argue, partially because I hate arguing and just say okay, but not on important topics. We are for the most part a good match. It sounds like you and your husband are about the same. I know of couples the argue about politics, which is just nonsense!! Now relationships are never easy all the time, but I do believe in picking and choosing battles! I kind of think people that base their relationship happiness on just sex, do not really know what love is because sex isn’t the most important thing. Sex should just happen when both parties are in the mood as that makes it special. Maybe I am just a little old school, but sex should not be forced.
    Thank you for such an fabulous post. I ALWAYS love reading your posts as they are incredibly fun and easy to read!!


  18. You are so right, DG – picking the right person to marry is HUGE. But as Skye Masterson says, “It doesn’t matter who you marry, you wake up married to someone else.” People change, and not always in the ways you’d like them to.

    On the inside of our rings are engraved the words ONLY DEATH SHALL PART US. For me, the commitment of marriage means that even though being married is easy and fun at the moment, there’s no Sword of Damocles hanging over anyone’s head, making them worry that if they stop being as fun as they used to be, they’re going to be kicked to the curb by the person who promised to love them forever – for better or worse.

    Pet peeve: romantic TV weddings where the vows contain no actual vows, but just one person burbling about how amazing the other person makes them feel, and how they want to feel that way forever – with the subtle unspoken threat of what will happen to the marriage if the other person doesn’t keep the good feels coming. Everyone has hard times in their life, and the last thing they need on top of that is the fear that the stability of their relationship is based entirely on how their partner is feeling.

    That said, if a relationship is hell on wheels, or even just blah, get some help. Side note: when my husband and I did pre-marriage counseling, the main issue which emerged was that we relax in different ways and needed to find some leisure activities we could both enjoy. Counseling: not just for when it’s messed up. Don’t wait for the worst to happen. Be proactive about improving your marriage, if it’s not just dandy the way it is. And if it is just dandy… enjoy it!

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  19. It makes me happy that you have this happiness, Tiara!!! I love this post! The first time I met Joe, I remember thinking how easy it was to be with him, and in 10 years that hasn’t changed. He is the only person I can and want to see every single day. He is my favorite person in the world. He also drives me crazy sometimes, cause that’s what happens when you live with someone, but honestly, his quirks are quirks I can love and live with. He is the only person I have ever written love poems for. I always wish for my friends that they will have the kind of marriage that I do, a best friend to spend your life with. I am lucky. I never ever forget this.

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  20. This is so different from so much relationship advice I’ve ever heard, and it’s so good! I’m a recovering Protestant, and one of the hardest things is unlearning all of the damaging things I was taught in church about relationships and a woman’s place in them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Personally, I’ve found the best relationship advice came from the Christian faith – e.g. avoiding selfishness, loving the other as you love yourself, how to deal with issues in a non-destructive way… but if you have a culture (church or otherwise) which doesn’t see these as equal responsibilities, they’ve gone off the rails.
      There are far too many instances of cultures (and individuals) twisting the Bible to suit their own pre-existing preferences and positions, and I’m sorry you got hurt by it.

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  21. I have to admit this post resonates with me quite a bit, especially with what I’m going through in my own relationship right now. My boyfriend and I are seven years apart in age and in seemingly different stages of life. I am ready to settle down and he is still figuring out who he is, going back to college, not sure he’s ready for a family. I struggle with how much do I sit back and respect his timeline and growth if I ultimately am not respecting my own. I’m 35, and while I don’t think this is old by any means, I do want to have kids and start a family and pushing that to 40 makes me nervous. I always used to hate when people said sometimes loving each other isn’t enough, because the hopeless romantic in me always believed that was actually the only thing that mattered. But it seems now that loving each other may not be enough as our present core values don’t seem to match up. It is still extremely difficult for me to put my own wants and need first, however. I keep wanting to hold on.

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  22. I have been struggling for months trying to figure out why I am not happy in my relationship, and then I read this and it was like the light bulb finally went off and it’s so simple. We do not have the same values, and I think I have been trying to convince myself that didn’t matter. Oh, but boy, does it ever. And these might be the two most brilliant things ever said about any relationship (romantic or not): “Love for my partner is based on conditions that must exist, especially during hard times” and “maybe my love is unconditional, but my commitment and my time are not”. Conditions are not being met, and that is the simple truth. Thank you for sharing this and for laying it out so clearly.

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  23. Bless you! Seriously. People look at my Husband and I like we’ve grown an extra head or something when we say we’ve never fought… But there’s a /reason/ we’ve never fought! It’s because we took the time and put forth the effort to make sure we were compatible, had the same values, and wanted the same things out of life before ever even tying the knot- and we work hard daily to make sure ruffled feathers don’t become rocks in shoes don’t become chasms and gaps between us.

    Marriage ain’t easy. It looks effortless when you have a good one, sure. But even the best take work- and I’d argue the best take more work than the average or the bad, because you’re consciously putting forth effort every day to keep it that way. Sometimes it’s /really fucking hard to do/; It’s a continuous sink of time, energy, and commitment- and requires that you constantly re-evaluate your needs / desires and leverage them against someone else’s… And it occasionally requires that you make compromises or sacrifices.

    And sometimes it just doesn’t work. But at no point is it “easy”.

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  24. Honestly, this is the most solid advice. Especially that first point about picking the right partner! I want to print it out and carry it with me to read after every date that ends in a “well… maybe if I just over look… and show them this thing…”

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  25. Aw this was great. I loved reading about how your marriage works well 🙂 You make a lot of valid points. I always refuse to settle. Some people just want to get it done, as in tie the knot and hope for the best. I want a partner I want to spend the rest of my life with. Of course I should have high standards for that and never settle just for the sake of marriage. And I did see what you did there 😉 very nice
    I agree so wholeheartedly on the personal life bit. I don’t want “my other half” in my husband. That’s not my interest at all. We’re going to be two complete wholes, which means we have our own stuff going on, make time for ourselves separately, and hang out with our respective group of friends instead of turning everything into a couple thing.
    Your relationship sounds like Simon and Martina, two YouTubers I follow and love. They always say the same thing fuels their happy marriage. Just pure consideration for the other person. I can only hope I find that someday too!

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  26. This was lovely to read and I completely agree that the right person is the key. I remember hearing somewhere that the question shouldn’t be ‘can you live with this person for the rest of your life’, it should be ‘can you live without them’. Ok, bit extreme but it makes you think about how compatable you really are as a couple. When I met my partner, we became the best of friends BEFORE we decided to go out together. By that time we knew we were kindred spirits, we’d got all our skeletons out of the closet and we knew each other’s values, needs and expectations. As for our differences, we feel we compliment each other rather than see them as contrasts. My partner is 15 years younger than me and I worship the ground he walks on, even after 14 years together. We have shared experiences that make us feel like it’s us against the world. We are each other’s defence. A relationship shouldn’t be a rollercoaster or hard. Doesn’t mean there’s not work to be done, we constantly check in with each other that our division of responsibilities are still felt fairly by each other. Another no nonsense, shoot from the hip, honest and open post. Damn Girl, good to see you back 😉

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  27. I highly recommend reading “the five love languages”. Once you understand how your spouse gives and receives love…life gets a whole lot easier. We all have different love languages…and it’s important to understand each of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. In the most respectful way I fucking love this 🤗. I don’t get why ppl compare their relationships to other ppl anyway. You have it your way and other’s have it their way. You’ll never be happy if you compare. It’s not about picking a partner and it’s letting the relationship happen. Dont force it and just be yourself. Too many ppl nowadays want to be in relationships so bad just because. Not because they are in love but only because Susie and Allan makes it look good. Then they marry because it’s what societt say you must do. Spend a crazy amount of money on wedding and honeymoon just to instagram it then 2 months later the shit isn’t working out like Susie and Alan. Smh you made some very good points and Im here for it 😎


  29. Usually, I hate marriage advice because it’s so trite and one size fits all (and my marriage is not that “size”). I spent a few months at the beginning of my marriage flipping out because I had heard “don’t go to bed angry” so much – guess what, if my husband is upset or worried he’s got to process that all in his head before he’s ready to talk about it, and goading him to talk it out is going to make him even MORE upset. So for the past 18 years I’ve been just letting him stew and he talks about it (whatever it is – sometimes he’s upset at me but more often something else) when he’s ready. We’ve both noticed that he processes his upset faster than he used to, so I’m not left hanging as much.

    Where was I? Right, so marriage advice is usually awful, but this is pretty solid. Happy to have different interests and pursuits, but at the end of the day someone is 100% in my corner (and I am in his), supporting each other’s weaknesses and crazy shit as we watch reruns and send our kids to bed multiple times.

    Liked by 2 people

  30. You bring up some really good points! I have been married for two years, and with my husband in school, it’s not been a walk in the park. Your real tips really made me think and I have always thought that Love is a choice. With a new semester starting, it has been hard for me to actively choose to love my husband, but you really encouraged me! Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  31. I loved reading your post. The published date is my anniversary, this year we made 9 years…still a young marriage, but boy are we going through it. You mentioned so many real things that occur in marriage. It definitely isn’t easy. I’m new to blogging, but will make sure I keep reading yours for motivation!

    Liked by 1 person

  32. I miss you, my love! I’m so on board with your thought on marriage. I’ve made a ton of mistakes, accepted a short leash, abandoned an independent social life and have put myself in a position of being stuck. Thank goodness that’s all over and I learned those lessons. Still, being single now, this post is a great reminder for me to stay committed to my values.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. I haven’t had a relationship ever and since i am 24 now, everyone is telling me to start somewhere but i am still trying to perfect the “choosing the right one” step. I don’t believe that you can change a person and if i ever start a relationship with the stupid belief that the things that annoy me might go away or i can make them, that gives the other person to feel entitled to the same power of control. And i just can’t agree with that. I’m not going to believe that men are a certain way and that i should be expecting less because that’s all there is. Solitude is enjoyable if you’re comfortable being with yourself and i certainly am and all the advice i’ve gotten so far are from people who can’t stand to be alone with themselves or with their partner but choose their partner so that they can share the horrifying sense of loneliness together and just what the actual fuck is up with that?
    i am picky, i want my parner to be picky so that i know that i am an intentional decision made with respect and love not with the fear of loneliness.

    I serously don’t even have a point to reach with this comment i just wanted to rant because this is such a good article it sparked my fury with all the stupid advice i get.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. I stumbled into a great marriage–a ’til death do us part’ marriage, which it did about 3 1/2 years ago when my beloved died of acute myeloid leukemia. The last thing he said to me was, ‘I love you.’ We were 2 months short of being married 52 years, and if you count the semester we lived together as graduate students, it was more than 52 years.

    Not that we didn’t have our ups and downs. One of the downs was hysterically funny at the time and still is. We were crabbing at each other, unable to agree about anything much. So we decided to not talk but instead express our feelings as if we were great apes. So we went around for a few hours (we couldn’t last longer) making our idea of ape noises and motions. Before long we were both laughing so hard that we just couldn’t do it anymore.

    Somewhere in there we learned to listen carefully to each other. Neither of us ever wanted to hurt the other–and we learned to stifle potentially hurtful remarks before they were formed.

    We were very bonded, you might say, and yet we were highly independent too. We each had our own activities and we shared only what we wanted to. Each year love and trust built. I could go on and on, but this is the gist. I would give anything to have him back–but that’s the price for the kind of relationship we had/have. I go on trying to rebuild a life for myself without him–because that’s what he would expect of me.

    When he was dying in the hospital the doctor told me that she thought he was hanging on even though he was barely conscious and probably in quite a lot of pain. I knew what I had to do. I went in to him, the two of us alone, and I picked up his hand and whispered into his ear, “My darling, I think you may be lying there worrying about me. But you don’t need to worry about me at all. I’ll be okay, I promise. When you need to go, you can go.”

    He died about 5 the next morning. I was numb for two years, then started crawling out of the pit.

    And I wouldn’t have missed any of it. Except losing him.

    Liked by 2 people

  35. Our love story is 20 years in the making from our teenage years and now we’re married. Your post will definitely be bookmarked in my marriage advice articles. We are super in love and are hoping to make this work until we grow old. 😘💕

    Liked by 1 person

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