There are many things to love about winter. I am, of course, kidding. Winter is a loathsome season and anyone who claims to love it is being paid off by “Big Winter.” Follow the money!
Regardless of whether or not you are on the payroll at Winter Corp., I think we can all agree that between the pandemic and the chill, we are all feeling a bit limited.
For me personally, giving up the things I look forward to the absolute most has been eating at me. I am beyond fortunate to have remained healthy during 2020 and I try my hardest not to lose sight of what is truly important, but I’m not going to lie and say that having my big pleasure activities taken away has been easy.
I wanted to check in with my readers because it’s been a hot minute (hi, lovelies!) and pass on a little thing that has brought me joy this year, and hopefully help you out too!
We’re talking holiday gifts this week!
As the holiday season approaches, there is some pressure on the gifts we give and receive to make life at home more enjoyable. And nothing relieves pressure quite like a massage.
A full blown stupidly-cheap massage table
This massage table is a showstopper. Just seeing a wrapped present this big under the Christmas tree is exciting, and opening it up to find a massage table will be sure to get a huge reaction. For only 100 dollars, this costs the same amount as one massage. Yeah, a hell of a deal. I will also say that it makes you and your partner better able to give a quality massage.
A lot of the hassle with giving a massage is the low height of most beds and the fact that you have to climb all over a bed to get to the other side of the massagee’s (it’s a word, shut up) body. The hunching and general discomfort of performing a massage often shortens the time you are able to rub for and the quality of the rubbin’.
My partner (and editor, who has many lovely qualities, and a handsome face, many many, just very excellent parts, hi dear!), who doesn’t exactly know his way around a shoulder muscle, is able to use so much more leverage than ever before without putting stress on his own joints with this table. Also, just having my face down in that hole reminds me of being at a spa, and gets me 8 percent of the way to Relaxville without a single finger on my back.
I have had this table since April and it is sturdy and extremely comfortable. I have climbed up on it with my husband on the table and it doesn’t budge (about a 300 pound stress test… ok, ok, 315, yeeeesh). It really earns its great reviews.
Need a little additional help?
There is nothing that beats that skin-on-skin contact of a professional massage. Strong hands intuitively manipulating those little pieces of string and goo that hold us together. My regular readers know that I am essentially a golden retriever and welcome all the pats all the time. Historically I have not been a fan of cold, probing massage devices. Yeah, they promise a pleasurable good time, but there’s been only one device that has delivered on that front, if you know what I mean (it’s my remote).
That said, I have had to get creative this year because sometimes my wrists hurt. And also my elbows. And also my fingers. And I can tell when it’s about to rain because my hip starts to click and clunk. So while the table has helped immeasurably in taking off the joint pressure when I am giving a massage, I admit that I sometimes whip out a little helper.
Here are my top picks for massage tools:
Cold Massage Roller Ball with Handle
I like this one because it’s multi-directional and you can use it on yourself as well as your partner. This gives you a little extra reach on yourself, and a partner can use it to get more deeply into that gnarly tissue.
Massage Gun for Athletes
Is it a ray gun? Is it a drill? Is it a prop from a torture scene in a sci-fi movie based in outer space?
Nope, it’s just a very extreme and extremely weird massage tool. It sort of… um… pummels you, but in a good way! This oddity costs more than the massage table itself (which really says something about how affordable the table is), but I and thousands of hardcore stimulation enthusiasts agree that this violent contraption is the bees knees.
What are you gifting this year for this quite unusual Christmas season? Let us know in the comments below!
I hope that you all have a safe and happy holiday! Merry Christmas!
-DGGYST
Damn, Girl. Get Your Shit Together. 
I get so excited when I get my email notification that you have a new post! You are my absolute favorite blogger ever. ❤️ Happy Holidays!
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Ali! Thank you so much sweetheart!
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If the orange cat comes with the table? I’m in. That boy looks like he knows what’s he doing.
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Love your list!
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Girl’s going to get wishy-washy and feel things! So happy to see a post from you!
Well written and witty as always!
Pandemic put a whooping on some of us so… now I feel inspired to get my ass blogging again’! Mad love always!❤️
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Dude, how do I get the cat?! I want him to beat my muscles with his cute tiny little paws. It’s good to see a post from you, I have wondered how you are doing. I hope you are doing well, despite the insanity of 2020! Big hug and lots of love. xo
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Tanya! The biggest hugs and the most amount of love right back at you.
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I’ve got my brother a hot plate that he can put on top of his gas stove and use it like one big griddle…last year I got him a catering flame thrower. So I’m clearly getting A n E trips for the New Year haha!
Love your blog, got yourself a new follower!
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Thanks Sarah! Happy Holidays!!
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Nice to see you back, who else better to enjoy my morning coffee with. I have come to the point in my life when I like useful gifts, this year I asked for a replacement for my dying electric toothbrush! Talk about living on the edge.
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Ha! Yes though! I am all about the useful gifts!
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My massage therapist is worth her weight in gold!
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I’d definitely take the cat as one of the comments say hihi!
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Hahaa!
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You’re such a star😂🌟 Love the way you write.
And ooo I’ve never considered a massage table before! Sounds like worth it, eh!?😁😁
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I’m getting my husband a different kind of table– a ping pong table! But I’m sure it could second as a message table if he really wants it to…
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I LOVE PING PONG! thats a great idea!
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Hahah love it. And a massage table can double up as so many things. The table where you dump all the laundry, for instance, much like what my old exercise bike was for. I’d looooove a massage. I can’t believe I’ve never been to a spa or had an actual massage. xx
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Fun fact: My boyfriend studied as a massage therapist (and now works as a butcher, but that’s neither here nor there) and bought a table for class. I can attest that getting a massage on a massage table is 1000000% better than on a bed.
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Yes! Your boyfriend can rub a back and a baby back rib! lol!
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NGL, having a butcher for a boyfriend is INCREDIBLY convenient. That employee discount is sweet when you’re looking for a Thanksgiving turkey lol!
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In this highly unusual year, I’m opting to pay someone for physical contact and a massage that doesn’t run on electricity, batteries, or promises that “I’ll give you one too if you just put the TV remote down and massage me, no not like that, you’re hurting me, I don’t care if you like it hard and to break your bones, I’m delicate, ugh, just stop, you’re making me crazy.” Desperate times call for paying someone who knows what they’re doing to help keep my stress level down to a degree that won’t earn me an orange suit.
Also, I’m painting watercolor pictures for my people because they’re from the heart and also because I’ve been pandemic unemployed since patient zero and therefore if anyone complains they’re being an insensitive ass. Especially since I’m not bad at painting.
Seriously, though, welcome back.
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You have me thinking hard about this massage table now. I wasn’t sure where you were going with this post but seriously, in a pandemic year when we’ve all physically and psychically gone to shit a spa table in our very own homes sounds spot on. I don’t have any wonderful gift ideas to share. I claimed a Ninja Foodi indoor grill as part of my own Christmas present (but only part because I use it to cook dinner for everyone and dammit that’s not exactly fun all the time) and I’ve gotta say it’s the bees’ knees. 🙂
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It is one of those things that seem so luxurious and ridiculous to own but for the cost of one massage, its pretty dang nice. Someone told me that they get a discount when a massage therapist comes to their home because they own a table so the therapist doesnt have to lug hers around.
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I bought my mom a foot warmer/shiatsu contraption 🤣 Oh Amazon, you’re a gem!
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That’s great post there!. Thanks for the tips😉😉
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I started laughing because we totally have the drill, electric screw driver, massage thing you describe. I don’t know why I personally LOATHE even giving a massage with it. Maybe because it’s loud and vibrates and looks like an ugly man tool and there’s literally nothing sexy about it (unless tools turn you on.) But it indeed WORKS. I finally, after three years, tried it on my shoulders. I was genuinely surprised by how gentle the pummeling felt (as compared to Hubby’s brutal man mitts.)
We give a lot of alcohol in my family. Which is hilarious because our parents tried to make us prudes. And then we learned how they were both party animals in their hay day. And now we all embrace alcoholism (😂😂😂 I do kid. But the fact that my mom bought my husband two giant bottles of Jameson displays a level of acceptance that most would consider peculiar.)
Tis the most wonderful season of all.
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Love this!
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