How to Look Put Together

A woman in white gloves fixing her hair

In my high school, the regional slang word tossed my way was “scurvy.” From biology to history, it passed through the lips of my peers. It was the word of choice for an unkempt individual. “Scurvy.”  Considering my state of perpetual starvation, they could have been referring to my vitamin C deficiency, but that was probably a lost irony.

I certainly felt “scurvy.” My mother decided to move us onto an acreage with no running water or electricity, but plenty of farm animals and inbred cats. I was perpetually covered in animal hair, five weeks between showers, and reeking of second-hand smoke and first-hand perspiration. I was so greasy I could have been cold-pressed into a fine and abundant source of cooking oil.

Strangely, post-high school I still felt “scurvy.” I had an income and a pet- and smoke-free home and daily showers, yet I still was… unkempt. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. There was just something, not tightly kept together, and while I have long come to terms with my satan-given looks, I would always be disappointed when I glimpsed in the mirror. My shit was not “on fleek” as I had always yearned for it to be.

I had a thirtieth birthday recently. I went to a masquerade ball, danced, drank champagne and had a grand old time. My friends had taken some candid pictures of me that turned up on facebook the next day. There I was, staring up at myself from the timeline feed, finger waves perfectly coiffed, skin matte yet dewy, not an eyelash astray. I looked completely put together and it filled me with a sort of joy that didn’t feel superficial at all.

I am a strong proponent of “no right way to be, look, or dress.” I still must admit: it felt good. It felt important. Because it has always been important to me: the ability to pull myself together and present myself the way I wanted to be seen. So I wanted to share what I have learned on my journey from scurvy teenager to seamless adult. These are the tips I have on how to look put together.

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So Damn Beautiful

Makeup brushes

Dude, is it just me or do beauty tips suuuuuuuckkk anymore? You know the ones:

“AMAZING BEAUTY HACKS THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!”

“Use a nude pencil on your waterline!” Oh my god, we know! “Highlight your cupid’s bow with a highlighter!” No, that’s dumb. I’m going to eat that, like instantly. What else you got? “Mash a banana in your hair?” For fuck’s sake.

Let’s back it up. I am enjoying the best streak of basic-ness lately.

Usually I’m all brooding, hammering away on my typewriter while cursing about human rights or chain smoking one of those bubble pipes and pacing the floors, plotting how to take over the world.

Sherlock Holmes Cat GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

But this month, the constant brewing storm of passion and intention has parted. Where I could once be found murmuring to myself in a dark corner, inexplicably pounding on a calculator and  drumming my fingers together like Mr. Burns, now I’m cuddled up with a pashmina, drinking Starbucks, watching YouTube morning routines (that shit is soothing) and chatting at my sister about this like, totally amazing top coat that is like, the best thing ever.

So, seeing that the beauty section of my blog is desperately lacking, I am delighted to do a post on like, my best beauty discoveries of 2017, like ever. Seriously, like, ever.

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Greasy Hair? Prolong the Shit out of Your Wash

Woman with long hair in the city

Short, long, thick, thin, blonde, or blue, nothing says, “I can’t manage my shit” quite like greasy hair. That being said, I get it: the powers that be deem that washing our hair everyday is unhealthy. Kim Kardashian is going nine days without a wash (ok five) and for some fucking reason we all have to do what Kim Kardashian says because of the deal she made one night at a crossroad.

So if you want to get away with washing your hair less, here’s everything you can do to prolong your wash.
Continue reading “Greasy Hair? Prolong the Shit out of Your Wash”