What Are You Doing for Yourself in Quarantine?

Woman holding a growing plant

What good things have come out of your time in quarantine?

I bet it’s something and I want to know what it is. Did you learn how to play the ukulele? Have you finally mastered the perfect ratio of bubble bath to water? Did you learn something about your partner you never knew before? Was it that he is actually a ghost from the 1970s and has been dead this whole time? Because obviously, we all want to hear that story so stop being so selfish and tell us. Or maybe you organized your pantry or whatever.

Regardless, I want to know what you have learned, started learning, excelled at, or changed during this most unusual time in all our lives. Here’s mine:

Continue reading “What Are You Doing for Yourself in Quarantine?”

The Beginner’s Guide to Meditation

Tiny Buddha statue on a mossy rock

It’s becoming pretty obvious that our ridiculous full voicemail, texting, Netflix-watching, desk job, blue light, to-do-list-filled lives are screwing with us. We’re all anxious and depressed and overwhelmed and floaty-feeling because the last time we weren’t plugged into some kind of device, Bill Clinton was in office.

So, of course, the ones with all the obnoxious wisdom have spoken. It’s time to forest bathe, do yoga, and most importantly: meditate.

You know, sit in a quiet place, focus on your breath, practice mindfulness…pull your fingernails out one by one and try to boil yourself to death in a half inch of water. ‘Cause really, what’s the difference?

I hate meditating. God, it’s hard for me. My mind is a tireless athlete whose running inner monologue is essentially:

“Hustle, hustle, hustle, don’t end up like your mother, hustle hustle hustle, ooh, that’s a good idea, write that down, hustle hustle hustle.”

My “distracted ambition” (patent pending) is kindling for panic attacks.

So I visit the Pinterest boards filled with perky chicks wearing tank tops that say “Namastay Grateful.” I try so hard to read these posts, which are all soothing and helpful, and I can almost make it through one before the heat of irritation bubbles up into my soul and I go, “Ahhhhhhhh, I can’t even read about meditating, let alone meditate.”

So what do you do when you feel disconnected? Like you are a passenger in your own life? When you feel anxious? When you get that feeling that time is either going at a crawl or speeding by like lightning…or both?

Unfortunately, you fucking meditate.

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Here’s a guide for my lovelies who want to want to mediate: Continue reading “The Beginner’s Guide to Meditation”

Hippie Shit That Actually Works

A woman's hand on a cup of tea

Ah, hippie shit.

Who among us can resist its siren call? After all, don’t we all want to live in a world where the solution to every problem we have lies in our pantry? Child not doing well in school? Rub em down with cornstarch. Dismissive husband? Simply dab some apple cider vinegar behind his ears (organic, of course).

There’s nothing quite so delightful as the smugness that comes with rubbing oil of oregano onto our feet while drinking chamomile tea and explaining to our girlfriends that western medicine just doesn’t compare when it comes to treating gangrene.

I like to think of myself as a wise woman of the world. But I have a confession: I’m hippie on my mother’s side (so half hippie) but I have a highly tuned bullshit-o-meter. So this means I will stick a clove of garlic up my hoo-ha to get rid of a UTI, but I will not use crystals to alleviate my allergies. Ya feel me?

Here are five Damn Girl tried and true’s:

Continue reading “Hippie Shit That Actually Works”